Weekly updates:

Culture Music

No Country for Old (Rap) Men: Failed pitches for hip-hop themed video games

Robbie lets us in on his rap-themed gaming ideas that never saw the light of day

Posted by

For a genre that is so ingrained into video game culture—from the ’80s electro tracks named after Pac-Man, numerous references to NBA Jam and songs using the Mario Bros. theme—it’s surprising how few good rap-related games exist. The Wu-Tang game on Playstation 1, the Def Jam fighting games on Playstation 2 and the DJ Hero series from the last generation of consoles provided some mild amusement (Parappa The Rapper doesn’t exactly count), which leads me to wonder why the following titles that I suggested to Rockstar Games, in a vaguely threatening email, still haven’t gotten the green-light:

Grand Theft Auto V: GETO Boys Edition

Building on the hugely popular GTA V, players get to switch between Scarface, Willie D and Bushwick Bill as they re-enact the scenarios of some of their most violent and offensive songs. Master the art of head-shotting corrupt Houston cops and rival drug dealers as Mr. Scarface, make disrespectful punks ‘read these Nikes’ as Willie D aka ‘The Clean Up Man’ hands out beatdowns on anyone foolish enough to try snatching his hat off his head as a practical joke, and try to avoid forcing your girlfriend shooting your eye out after Bushwick consumes heroic amounts of Everclear.

Fallout 4: New Jersey

Instead of 1950s era America, the player wakes up in Jersey after a nuclear apocalypse to discover a world overrun with juiced up mutant ‘guidos’, ghoul housewives, and synthetic mobsters. Fight your way to East Orange in the hopes of finding the underground bunker which houses the preserved brain of The 45 King inside the body of a giant robot and uncover the mystery as to why the only reason that the kids of the year 2388 know who Lakim Shabazz is because android President Marshall Mathers name-drops him during his annual wrestling match with robot Treach from Naughty By Nature.

Super Buze Brovaz

This charming retro platformer allows the player to select either Clever-1 or Him-Lo and travel through Philly in a quest to reach the pub before last drinks are called. Headbutt the Ralph Lauren brick to activate Lo-Life mode, which immediately dresses your character in a fresh rugby jersey, which enables you to smash through enemy blockheads and duck MCs. Complete the game on ‘Gully’ mode to unlock Schoolly-D and play through the game again, only this time it’s 1986 and you’re being attacked by evil hair metal bands.

Ghostface Gundam

Capitalising on the massive popularity of Gundam anime in Japan, Ghostface Killah takes his Tony Starks persona to the next level as he creates a series of mech suits to hunt down his enemies and protect the Wu-Tang dynasty. His most powerful Gundam suit features his trademark giant eagle bracelet, which harnesses the power of the sun to obliterate foes with a mighty bolt of lightning.

Sonic The Hamilton

Not satisfied with failing to make a Sonic the Hedgehog game since the days of the Megadrive/Genesis, Sega figure “Fuck it” and create a game for iOS and Android based entirely around that clip of Charles Hamilton getting punched in the face by a young lady while he was rapping. Players must tap the screen as quickly as possible to collect the thousands of coins flying out of his dome while attempting not to drop their phone due to fits of laughter. Sadly, the game was never released since Sega realised that not even Blog Rap diehards from the mid-’00s can remember ‘what’s a Charles Hamilton?’.

Keep up with Robbie’s weekly ‘No Country for Old (Rap) Men’ here.

Weekly updates