You know the type of woman I’m talking about: rake thin with unusually large breasts, Kardashian hair that always needs to be played with, French manicures, skin-tight dresses and heels as a uniform for, well, anything really. All their sentences starting with ‘OMG!’ They’re the classic bimbo. They’re not dumb – that is where people get it wrong. They’re just really easy to figure out because they approach everything on a surface level and they say dumb things. ‘Shallow’ is a better word here. Us women are also gifted the male equivalent: the Jock.

The way jock guys are portrayed on American television is just one of the variations of this particular breed of man. Usually they are the blonde athlete in a teen movie who beats up the nerd and only dates the head cheerleader. Urban Dictionary describes jocks like this:

“A person, who, contributes little or nothing to society. A person that usually picks on a nerd or someone smaller than him. Usually plays football or some other sport that honestly will not help them in the long run. Note* Jocks are not to be confused with real athletes.”

Something tells me that a tiny nerd came up with this particular definition.

The classic jock really takes pride in his bodily appearance. The hair, the skin, the teeth, carb-free beer. He looks in the mirror when he works out. A jock is a man who loves the outdoors because this is the opportunity to work on their tan as well as show off all the hard work they have put in at the gym. This is why the summer music festival is like Jock Christmas.

I have seen some sights at these things, let me tell you.

No, really, let me tell you! Last year I copped a free ticket to a big summer music festival in Perth and I went because free is my favourite price. You could pretty much rename ‘summer music festival’ to ‘jock safari’ because this is where you see them all together in their natural habitat and it is fucking magnificent. They have so much bulk on their upper bodies in comparison to their legs that they kind of look like those cartoon dogs that walk on their back feet.

I saw this one dude wearing an alleged singlet. The front of it scooped down so low that I could see his belly button and the straps of the damn thing were so thin it looked more like a spaghetti strap top for chicks. What is even the point? He looked like he had been caught in a fisherman’s net. I would also like to mention that he was dancing on his own in the middle of nowhere just taking in the scene and flexing his pecs and loving life.

There is something about a jock, you know. Even us chicks want some NSA sex from time to time with a textbook beautiful man that comes with a low risk of us becoming emotionally attached. The problem with this, though, is that they are sometimes so wrapped up in their own reflection that they would prefer to have sex with themselves over anyone else. But if you can nab a jock of a dude that just enjoys life’s simple pleasures, like those of the flesh, then you are in for a treat! No really, you are. Their bums look like two scoops of ice cream and they take personal hygiene more seriously than socioeconomics, and that is just fine.

Just like everything in the ecosystem serves its purpose (I’m looking at you, aphids who ate all my rose bushes last month), jocks are a necessary component. They just get up every day, brush their perfect little white jock teeth, tell their reflection that they are a mad cunt, get in their V8 or whatever it is they are driving (usually a non–primary colour like lime green or purple), go to work (which usually involves doing something with their hands like laying concrete, or something involving their charm like sales for a beverage company), go to gym, eat an egg-white omelette, hash out their night skincare regime before hitting the hay. They’re not hurting anybody! Hug a jock today.