We have ridiculous animals
Okay, so there’s the platypus - which is kind of phoning it in because everyone is aware of how outrageous this egg laying mammal that also manages to be venemous is. But what about the Box Jellyfish, which is literally a brainless killing machine? Or the adorably named and equally adorably looking Quokka? Finally, how about Koalas? Don’t let there looks deceive you, behind their cute exteriors lie demonic STD buckets. It’s estimated that up to 90% of Australian Koalas are infected with chlamydia - and when they’re not fucking, they’re sleeping because their lifestyles only require FOUR minutes of active movement per day. You couldn’t pull that anywhere else but Australia.
We can drink
So well, that it’s kind of a problem. But putting aside the endemic problems of a culture that celebrates routine alcohol abuse, it kind of makes us great people to party with. I mean our 23rd Prime Minister drank a yard glass in 11 seconds, and actually made it into the Guinness Book of World Records for doing so. Australians are basically friendly Russians when it comes to booze.
People think that our accent is great
Which means when we’re overseas that people get excited for little to no reason, which is always a plus. Also, you can accidentally make someone swoon just by calling them ‘mate’ which is about as close as you’ll get to having an actual superpower.
The man is a national treasure, plus he designed the cover for our 25th issue.
We have some of the most pristine beaches in the world
Seriously, our coastline is a joke. We’ve got some of the worlds best beaches dotted along our entire coastline. Even the ones that aren’t that good are still great, that’s how lucky we are when it comes to the water. Have you seen Whitehaven Beach? The sand is 98% silica, so it doesn’t retain heat no matter how hot the weather is AND it’s perfect for polishing jewellery. OUR BEACHES ARE MULTIFUNCTIONAL AND PRACTICAL. Also, there’s legitimately an island just off Whitehaven that’s shaped like a love heart. That’s God giving you a free pass for cool-sand beach sex.
We’re really good at pirating TV shows
Despite the government trying their hardest to make sure that we’ll never get decent internet speeds down under, we’re still really good at getting one over on the man. Maybe it’s our convict roots shining through, or maybe it’s because no one wants to wait a year before a TV show gets syndicated by a network here - but as of last year Australian’s were responsible for the most illegal downloads of Game Of Thrones globally. Nice one mates.
We invented plastic money
You know when you watch a movie and American currency just looks so awesome? Well it’s not, it’s grimey and you can tear it and all the notes look the same. You know what’s awesome? The polymer notes that were developed in Australia in ‘74. They’re super strong, you can put them through the washing machine accidentally and they’ll still be fine, and they allow for ridiculous colours so that we can call our $50 a pineapple.
Australia’s independent electronic music scene is dope
I’ve got a theory about this one. Australians have always been early adopters of technology, because it often represents a way to connect with the wider world in a way that we can’t always do because of our geography. So when people all of a sudden started paying attention to bedroom producers, there was a whole generation of MacBook jockeys lying dormant in the Australian suburbs. Also, there’s that Flume song that everyone knows.
Vegemite, meat pies, sausage rolls, chicken salt on everything
Objectively disgusting salty cuisine is kind of our thing.