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OO - A winter boyfriend

Photography by Laurice Foronda

Ah winter – everyone’s favourite season! Not. My friend Alex always says that the only people who enjoy winter are fat people, and I would have to agree with her on a certain level. But on another level, the only other people who enjoy winter are those that are all loved-up and have company.

These are some of the reasons why being in a relationship and the worst season of the year go together like peanut butter and chocolate.

Mainly for fucking 

Yes, sex. I could almost end the column right here and you will all probably be satisfied and nodding in agreement. The only things that winter is good for are carbohydrate-laden foods and then working it off by fucking some lucky bugger’s brains out. I have known forward-thinking people to commit to their end-of-summer fling in order to have a warm body in their bed for the May–September period. But as the tiny buds start appearing on the stark woody twigs and the promise of summer and fresh new lovers and adventures can be seen in the not-too-distant future, the wintery fuck buddies are likely to find themselves dumped. Sometimes sooner. Always thinking ahead, this lot.

Also for eating

The only time I ever feel ‘not guilty’ for eating my secret favourite food (mac and cheese) is during winter. Especially after I have been eating my public favourite food, the dish I am not ashamed to tell everybody I love (salad), for months! But in order to not become an all-out fat pig and eat everything lactose- and gluten-riddled whilst watching Bridget Jones in pyjamas with owls on them (sigh), it is better to be fed it straight from the pan, in bed, dressed in nothing at all, by a man who has a face like Pharrell and abs like Jesus.

And for not eating

If you are too busy riding the pony then you won’t be eating one! Right?

It’s something to do! 

What else you gonna do when you’ve had all the sex, eaten all the cheese and it’s still raining? I guess you could be productive and write and paint and make music or whatever it is you creative freelancing sorts do but who are we kidding? Most movies are made 87% better when you’re being spooned. The same applies to listening to the rain. Let’s not forget the market trips to buy all the ‘produce’ for the ‘healthy soups’ you’re gonna make and Instagram. Smug bastards.

Because maybe you just want one?

Look, I don’t know. It’s such a cliche to be all ‘I wish I had a boyfriend during winter.’ I feel like saying, ‘Oi! Shut up and buy a hot water bottle you loser.’ But for real though, that bed can feel so big and empty when the wind is howling and the clouds are grey. You can’t help but feel a bit lonely/horny, right? The only problem is, you could end up hibernating with undesirables in order to scratch your itch and keep you warm during the night which is #notideal. Be careful what you wish for!

So, in summary, taking a lover during winter is mainly good for sex and eating, which is what you would want to do alone anyway. But the former is way better when done with someone else – let’s not kid ourselves. And on, that note, I think I have carpal tunnel.

Keep up with The Obnoxious Owl’s weekly ‘Shooting from the Hip’ column here.