Right so here’s the thing… your Kate Upton or Kardashian Spawn work hard to look like that. Sure, genetics play a massive role here but I swear to God, we do not wake up looking like this, none of us do. Some girls will say ‘I never wear any make-up’ or ‘I never work out and eat what I want!’ or my favourite, ‘This is my natural hair colour!’, other girls hate chicks like this, why? Well, I am here to tell you all that they are all liars.
First cab off the rank: body hair. Mrs Kanye West is Armenian. Wanna know what that means? Homegirl has more hair in her crevices than Osama Bin Laden had on his face after being in a cave for four years. Not even dissing! I for one am part Portuguese and it’s not much better. Whilst we would love to be all ‘girl power’ about it and take a leaf out of the French’s armpit, it is not exactly going to wash with you lot is it? No it is not. Legs and armpits are a given, of course we are going to get rid of it because a simple razor will often suffice, but it is the subject of pubic hair that is the bone of contention here. I’m not sure if it’s us resembling 10 year old girls after we have had a Brazilian wax that turns you boys into spoilt little brats or the fact that now, having hot wax poured onto our genitals and ripped out from the root is the ‘norm’ and it has become expected, but it’s kind of annoying how we are expected to be these silky smooth velvet nymphettes while you all look like the hobbit. I have had girlfriends say that their boyfriends won’t sleep with them unless they have been waxed. Um, excuse me? Not only does the pain make you see stars, it is not easy on the purse! I am talking $50 – $75 here! Anything less than 30 bucks will mean you will have to check that your labia is still attached. So if you want to start making demands about how our garden grows, then may I suggest that you cough up.
Boobs! Tits. Jugs. Cans. Fun Bags. Girls with less than a C cup are forever having to wear padded bras or made to feel less desirable because of how high breasts rank on a man’s wish list. The problem is, they are on our chest so there are no surprises as to what we are packing. Unlike say, THE SIZE OF YOUR PENIS! We love big ‘ol humdingers too you know and yes, it might not be the size of the boat but the motion of the ocean but honey, no one went around the world in a rubber dingy now did they? You lot get to walk around lying about what’s going on in your pants and we’ll never know until you have had your way so we can’t even rank you by the size of your manhood! And do you have any idea what a fuck show a bra is? Again, they are expensive. Girls with small tits need padding, girls with DD need scaffolding and they cut into your back and they are uncomfortable and even though we have like 10, we only ever wear the one because it fits the best and that is the one we always want to wear, not the delicate lacy lingerie that itches. So we have these things and they play a major role in our sexuality and appeal and then we have kids and they turn into deflated balloons unless we go under the knife. Boobs hey? What’s in it for us?
Body issues. Before you say anything I will say it first, men have body issues too! I know I KNOW but! None of my girlfriends sit and talk about dudes who have pecs the size of hamburgers. None. We do mention the droopy nipples from all the steroids but that’s about it. Every girl has been on a diet since primary school. Granted, some more than others but we watch what we eat. Some can eat more than others and you’ll think you have hit jackpot because your missus can tuck into late night kebabs with you and chug back the beer and still have a ‘hot rig’ but that shit will catch up with her quicker than you can say Christina Aguilera, so don’t be fooled Romeo! Victoria’s Secret models live off maple syrup mixed with hot water and cayenne pepper which causes them to lose epic amounts of body fat but also gives them the farts. Sah sexy! Some of you want the hour-glass, others want ‘petite’. Is the dude we’re crushing on a tits or an arse man? Oh the dilemma and pressure to change what God has given us!
Makeup. Let me give you a list: Cleanser and moisturiser – we need a good skincare regime because let me remind you, George Clooney is a ‘silver fox’ and Madonna is repeatedly told to ‘put it away’, so we need to baste our turkey early. Then comes primer to ‘prime the skin’ before foundation and no, moisturiser is not enough. Then comes foundation to ‘even out’ and then concealer to get rid of eye bags, zits and other unsightly blemishes and then comes powder to ‘set it all’. Yes, it is all necessary actually because without this shit we look ‘tired’. Every single one of your ‘dream girls’ follow this routine. And the more ‘natural’ they look, the more gunk they have on their face, ironically. Then we have eyeshadow, eyeliner, mascara, eyebrow pencil, blush, lipstick, bronzer, body moisturiser… you get the picture! So yes, we take a long time to get ready. And let me remind you, I haven’t even opened the can of worms that is hair care here. You love long hair? You like it to be silky? You cannot even comprehend what it takes to get that desired ‘effect’ because let me casually inform you, it is all an effect.
Women are beautiful, absolutely. More so than you assholes that is for sure. Speaking of assholes… anal bleaching. Did you know that’s a thing? Yes. Thank you pornstars for your gift of male delusion. And please, don’t get me wrong… we want to look our best for ourselves more so than anything but to channel Carrie Bradshaw for a second, I can’t help but wonder… have we created a monster?
Keep up with The Obnoxious Owl’s weekly ‘Shooting from the Hip’ column here.