This week the latest Keeping up with the Kardashians episode aired. Yeah yeah, I know I shouldn’t fill my head with trash but even my brain needs a cocktail to feel numb from time to time. Anyway, this week Kanye made an appearance where he was helping Kim sort her wardrobe and got his stylist involved to turn her from sex-tape-star to best-dressed-on-the-red-carpet-for-doing-nothing-star. The point is, she was never badly dressed per se. I mean, she could throw an outfit together but it was a little ‘pedestrian’ if you will. Yeezy saw that million-dollar rump and turned it something worth me even mentioning.
So yes, I am about to impart some fashion tips on you gentleman. I am not going to say “Wear this shirt with these jeans” because I couldn’t really give a toss what you do. What I will share with you are the absolute musts and the must-nots that will set you apart from your little sneaker and more-hype-than-substance streetwear fiends. You are all my Kims and I am your Kanye.
The window to a man’s soul are his shoes.
Some girls go for a nice smile, others prefer nice arms, some are partial to a nice set of eyes but every single one of us look at what a man is wearing on his feet. We don’t really care what your preference of sneaker is and we’re happy for you if you can boast a large selection of them but to be honest, dudes who collect shoes to keep in a box and only open them to have a wank aren’t that much sexier than a gentleman who enjoys those ugly ass, ‘crocodile skin’ dress shoes. Have nice shoes, sure! But it’s not fun walking down the street with a dude when all he is doing is avoiding puddles. There is a fine line between a guy who takes pride in his footwear and one who is a fucking girl about it.
Own at least one good suit.
And don’t just save it for weddings. Do you know how many great dresses we have?! Take us out somewhere where we won’t feel stupid for wearing it next to you in your jeans that are hanging off your ass and a snapback. Women cream their pants for a guy in a suit. Wear one! You’ll get laid. Trust.
At music festivals…
Keep your shirts on. You’re not even hot! Unless like, you ARE actually hot and that single piece of cotton t-shirt is stopping you from being more comfortable then please, by all means, remove it. Now I know some females are down with this moronic behaviour and quite frankly, they need their own column. And if you really want to remain celibate then wear beanies with short sleeves and singlets… even in summer and the same goes for scarves with shorts. Well done genius.
Yup, fellas with the body ink will remove knickers from 20 feet but your attitude towards your colourful skin is what makes you annoying. First up, stop calling it a ‘chest piece’ like it is the God damn Mona Lisa or something. I mean, it’s cool, it looks nice but it’s not like you got it for everyone to admire the beautiful line work. Just BE COOL. Those damn V-neck tshirts that you purposely rock to show it off don’t help your lame factor either. Don’t get me wrong! Chest tattoos? Good! V-neck tshirts? Fine! Both together ‘accidentally on purpose’? Vomit. Also when you pull your jumper up to the elbows so we can all see your ‘forearm piece’… do you see where I’m going with this? Girls like guys with tattoos because of the mystery it gives you, the whole bad boy thing has been a no-brainer for getting women in the sack for decades. But you ruin it with your strategically placed clothing and your long, boring stories about why you got your ‘piece’ in the first place.
Easy on the ‘product’ and easy on the ‘treatments’. The thought of a dude getting a ‘hair treatment’ after he has had his ‘chest piece’, just before he pops into this one hairdresser on the other side of town because it is the only place that sells the ‘product’ he needs is making me consider lesbianism just typing this. Also, don’t even fret about that receding hairline, jut shave the damn thing. We honestly do. Not. Care.
Funny slogan tees.
Are not funny.
Fake tan and solariums.
It makes me feel sick that I even have to bring this up. Again, it’s not even about you having that golden glow, because I’ll admit, a tan does wonders for a person. It is the thought of you lying in a sun-bed or standing in a spray tan booth with a hair net on getting fake abs contoured onto you with the wonders of fake tan that gives us the heebie jeebies. And for those dudes reading this and feeling confused, many a girl who has entered a salon where tanning is on the menu will have seen many a heterosexual male walk out looking like Malibu Barbie.
Apologies for stating the obvious but you’d be surprised…
Clean your fingernails. Brush your teeth. Pop a mint after a cigarette. Iron your shirt. Make sure your jeans are dried properly or else you will smell like mildew. Avoid underwear with cartoon characters on them. Wash your sheets and open a window once in a while eh?
Tell everyone Owly taught you.
Keep up with the Obnoxious Owl’s weekly ‘Shooting From the Hip’ column here.