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OO - Feeling Hot Hot HotImage: Stacy Leigh

Right now I am sitting on a flight from Sydney to Melbourne and I have written several paragraphs and then deleted the entire thing because I feel that you deserve better than me just rambling on about any old shite just because I have to make deadline. I have been travelling for work and threw in the towel on the online dating charade so there has been not a lot of juicy happenings in my life that could inspire an engaging column. And then, just as I popped a square of chocolate in my mouth and instantly felt a wave of guilt for doing so, I realised I have a lot to say actually.

Recently I have lost quite a lot of weight, just over 12 kilos to be exact. Don’t be too impressed as I still have a bit more to go because I picked up 20 over the course of three years. Well… it was a little more than just picking up a little extra weight. In fact, I pretty much ate myself into depression. And the more depressed I got about becoming a heifer the more I ate deep fried cheese – because those who have weight problems really struggle with the simple correlation between what you keep putting in your mouth and what is making you unhappy. But by this point you are eating because you are sad and you are sad because you are eating and you just want the merry-go-round to stop so that you can get off. But the more you scream, the faster it goes and well… you get the picture.

I started losing weight because I got happy. How did I get happy? I just decided to be. Yes, it really is that simple. Is it hard? Yeah, it kinda is. Mainly because you have to *shock horror* start thinking before you act/speak/eat and also you are having to change years and years of bad thinking habits. Sometimes it is hard to find that silver lining but believe me, there always will be one and with the result, you will end up making better short-term decisions for long-term benefits such as only eating when you are hungry and stopping once you are full. Same goes for shagging but that is a entire different column.

The reason why I am writing about this, for what is fundamentally a magazine for men, is because I know you lads have an idea about how us girlies are all kinds of crazy when it comes to body image and self esteem. Lord knows you have your fair share of similar issues, but trust me – you would be horrified if you were to be a proverbial fly on the wall, witnessing just how hideous, toxic and distorted our interactions can be. Women want to be hot. We want to be hot because we know that you want us to be hot, and having a ‘hot rig’ is right at the top of the hot-o-meter. It absolutely baffles me that us girls (myself included) can have everything – good job, great wardrobe, wonderful friends and family, good health and a home in the first world – but still look at another girl and go ‘I wish I had her thighs’.

And while we’re tearing ourselves apart, we don’t stop there! Oh no – we have to tear one another apart as well. Look at my favourite pop culture reference, Kim Kardashian. Her sole existence within the public eye is to be a smoking babe. That is literally all she has to do. No one expects her to say anything interesting or to save the world, everyone just expects her continue selling her soul whilst we look at her. Easy peasy. But then she falls in love and falls pregnant and falls apart. Or at least that is how we see it. And why do we think this? Because she is the most ungraceful pregnant chick we have ever seen our lives. This broad has all the money, all the love, all the family and the man of her dreams but instead of enjoying it, instead of lapping it all up and taking some time off from her role as the person everyone likes to look at and talk about, she starts prancing around in six-inch heels and skin-tight dresses and just looks bang-on ridiculous and uncomfortable. One of the most attractive women in the world starts becoming the most unattractive and not because of the pregnancy weight, but because she looks uncomfortable.

Kim K is no different to any of us bitches though. We hold the exact same standards for ourselves except we don’t have the world gawking at us and making judgements. We continue to not see the bigger picture because we want to be young, beautiful and thin forever because that is our role. Your role as men is to be ambitious and rich; ours is to be easy on the eye. No one is expecting this of us; we are expecting this of ourselves. And while some of us struggle to meet these unrealistic expectations, the rest are choosing to be happy.

Keep up with The Obnoxious Owl’s weekly ‘Shooting from the Hip’ column here.