1. Your parents walking in on you having sex
And I don’t mean under the covers in the missionary position either. I’m talking about your mum seeing your thrusting buttocks slamming against the next door neighbour’s daughter. Or our girlfriend’s father walking in with your head between her barely legal legs. Shit is awkward as hell. You cannot, and I repeat, you CANNOT finish what you are doing and nobody is allowed to climax. You are to finish what you are doing immediately, get dressed and beg and plead for forgiveness. Only wack families who live in hippy communes where girls talk about their first period with the high priest talk about sex openly at the family dinner table. If you don’t want to see your folks going at it then give them the same consideration.
2. Fanny farts and soft cocks
They happen to the best of us if not all of us. The least you can do is to pretend not to notice or, better yet, pretend it never happened.
3. Accidentally calling your teacher ‘mum’
I think we all did this one and everyone laughed because kids are assholes but at least you weren’t the kid that pissed themselves in class. Oh dang, you were? I’m sorry to hear that buddy. Has it affected you in your adult life? No? Well all’s well that ends well, eh?
4. When your card is declined and there is a massive queue behind you
Even though you know there is no way in hell that there is money in your piss poor account just make them swipe it again and insist, “There is like over two grand in my account, something must be wrong!” Then when they swipe it again and obviously it is declined, roll your eyes and tell them you are going to an ATM to withdraw the cash and ask them if they would be so kind as to hold your items for you then run – run like the wind! Look we’ve all been there. When I go to the cash machine it almost feels like a pokie because I get genuinely excited when actual cash comes out and I feel like I’ve won! If in doubt, just check your account, or better yet, withdraw the cash before you make a purchase to avoid embarrassment and the feeling of impending doom that comes with it. Also, don’t accept invitations to dinner if you don’t have the funds… there will be other times!
5. Getting fired
Of course it’s awkward. Why? Because you have to explain yourself. For a start, everyone is going to take your explanation with a pinch of salt and apply the two sides to every story rule and thats just fine. The best thing to do here is to be completely honest. If you dun fucked up, then admit that you fucked up and people will respect your humility. And those that still judge you, well, they can just go and fuck themselves. But if you got fired because your boss(es) were assholes with a premeditated agenda then all you can do is tell the story, hold your head up high and apply the theory of Dr Seuss, “Those that matter don’t mind and those that mind don’t matter”… or something like that. Seriously though, things feel about 28,362,193,192 times more awkward in the centre of your nervous system than they actually are. Also, some people are just c*nts and such is life. Awks.
Keep up with The Obnoxious Owl’s weekly Shooting From the Hip column here.