Shooting From the Hip: I Resolve Not to be a Dickhead

The Obnoxious Owl sheds some light on the head-f*ck that is making New Year's Resolutions

Posted By Obnoxious Owl |

The problem with resolutions is that we have such high expectations for them, i.e. “This is the year I am going to find love!” Or “This is the year I am going to get fit!” “This is the year I am going to get my career on track/put out my EP/finish my portfolio/write my book”…you get the idea. These are all great things, don’t get me wrong, but come March and you have only lost like one kilo and the closest thing to love you have found is wanking in front of the mirror, then it is no wonder we don’t keep those resolutions we were so pumped about on January first.

The trick, I believe, in achieving your resolutions over the next 12 months is to make tiny resolutions whilst keeping your eyes on the prize. Small changes and tiny sacrifices make for big achievements. See how you go and if you fail midway just get sozzled on wine and drugs and casual sex!

Resolution #1: I want to lose weight/get fit

This isn’t very original and we all made the exact resolution last year and the year before that! And where are we now? Probably 5kg heavier than 365 days ago… that’s where. An easier resolution would be to give up booze from Monday to Friday or make a ‘no fast food’ rule for all of 2013! Perhaps you might like to learn how to cook? Or join a gym and flex dem muscles with the rest of the plebs who made the same resolution.

Resolve to make lifestyle adjustments and to make healthy choices! Good luck being boring!

Resolution #2: I want to find love this year

Eurgh dating websites… what a fuck show. I’ve heard of some people that it has worked for but not recently, I might add. I think these things were successful when they first popped off and people actually took them seriously. Now guys have caught on that these things are filled with attractive desperate women who are looking for a bit of cock, which will hopefully lead to something meaningful. It probably works for old people because they don’t really get out much but let’s face it, dating sites are sex sites.

A more realistic approach to love is to resolve to get out more. Fun is always on the other side of the word ‘yes’, so you should resolve to accept those invitations you would normally say no to and you know, have fun. You also might want to promise yourself that you won’t be lured into a stranger’s bedroom where you will have average sex in an attempt to soothe your loneliness.

Resolution #3: This year I will be successful!

Woop! Good on ya! Now how are you going to do that exactly? How about you turn that resolution into: “This year I am going to work hard no matter what!” And here is another tip: Don’t shout about your intentions because you look a knob when they don’t come to fruition.

Resolve to be quiet about your intentions and loud about your achievements. You’ve earned it.

Keep up with The Obnoxious Owl’s weekly ‘Shooting From the Hip’ column here.

 

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