Let’s talk about sex baby, because why not? It rules our every thought and every move. According to Freud, most of our feelings are derived from the sexual experiences and fantasies from our childhood and I can vouch for that! Walking in on my mother and father in a compromising position when I was seven will forever penetrate my brainwaves. I don’t care what you say dad! You don’t need to be naked to rub Vicks on mum’s chest! Discovering that the stork is a load of bullshit – and your parents do in fact ‘fuck’ – aside, I really believe Uncle Freud was onto something.

I really believe that our first experiences and how we were exposed to sex for the first time pretty much dictates our stance on it for the rest of our lives. Even if it was horrific and you are in some kind of therapy, it will have affected your approach to the ol’ roll in the hay. Obviously I am not going to go in on the psychology behind child abuse or anything like that because quite frankly (and surprisingly) I am not qualified and also, lets keep it light hey?

It’s creepy and weird to put sex and kids in the same thought because well, it is. I don’t really need to say why. However, I will say that we do pretty sexual things as young ‘uns except we don’t really know that it is sex. All we know is that it feels good until some sexually fucked up adult tells us otherwise.

For instance, I quite liked the feeling of straddling the arm of a chair when I was a kid. What? It’s NORMAL, we all did it. Those chicks that are raising their eyebrows right now probably got caught and yelled at and made to feel like they were doing something ‘bad’ and ‘naughty’. I was never caught but mum did once find a letter from a boy when I was 11 in my Reebok shoe box under my bed where he had posed this question: ‘On Saturday at the movies when we go to watch Ace Ventura may I give you an organism? Tick Yes, No or Maybe’. To say that mum lost her shit is an understatement. Of course my understanding of an ‘organism’ was when a boy put his hand on your bare leg as he ‘Frenched’ you and you felt ‘a bit funny’. ‘G Spot’, ‘clit’ or ‘coming’ were just not part of my vernacular and if I wasn’t nervous about having an ‘organism’ during Pet Detective before then I was now! A) Because I felt naughty and bad, and B) My curiosity reached a whole new level… I was going to have an organism during that movie if it killed me. I can’t really remember how I convinced my mother that I wasn’t an 11-year-old slut and I miraculously was still allowed to attend the movie with my 10-year-old boyfriend. Yes yes, I was a cradle-snatcher.

(P.S.: A 10-year-old boy’s idea of an ‘organism’ is basically running their finger up your inner thigh while they stick their tongue in your mouth causing you to freak out and smacking their hand away thus leading them to storm out of the movie and never talking to you again unless it was to say that you were ugly.)

My point is, all of us go through puberty and feel weird urges. Our bodies fuck with us! Girls may harp on about getting their period for the first time, but dudes get hard-ons and, because they don’t know about sex, they think it’s perfectly alright to just get them out whenever they feel like it. For example, the last time I was in Cape Town I went to visit my cousin who had a three-year-old. He was running around the house naked (nothing wrong with that) and pissing everywhere (which they never grow out of). Then, the next minute, we heard wailing of epic proportions. He came running into the living room with a toy train hanging from his little winky. He had literally stuck his somewhat erect, tiny penis into the window of a toy train and it had got stuck. And what did we do? We laughed. If you ask me, that was probably the best approach. Luckily my cousin is relaxed with her own sexuality and will hopefully pass on a similar approach toward hanky-panky onto her son. It also shows the simplistic approach men have towards sex: they see a hole, they stick their dick in it.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that we can all probably trace our first thoughts on sex back to when some adult had passed on their views on the subject, however subconsciously, onto us. Having sex is as normal as sleeping, eating and drinking. It is what our bodies are designed to do. The urges are normal and natural and the act itself (in the traditional sense) is perfect and wonderful. But then, maybe some adult did us a favour by making it feel a bit naughty because surely that is what makes it feel so amazing? Being a naughty girl never felt so good. Thanks Mum!

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Photo credit: Scott Beale / Laughing Squid.