More often than not, time spent between male and female relationships (romantic or otherwise) is trying to figure one another out. I will admit, guys have it harder than girls. I mean, the fellas aren’t THAT hard to work out when you think about it. I think half the trouble girls have trying to figure you out is that we over think it. The old theory of why do dogs piss with their legs up comes to mind… because they can. So here is a little gift from me to you… a between-the-lines guide to the female psychi. Consider it an early Christmas present.

Sex. We love it. Quite a bit actually. See, it has been drilled into us from an early age that we need to keep that under wraps otherwise everyone will think we’re big fat sluts. And likewise, it has been drilled into you guys that girls who enjoy a tumble in the hay or at least admit that they do are a no-go area because they are loose. So here we are doing the little dance of pretending we don’t want to be ploughed. But we do! Oh my God we really do. But we just want you to KNOW that we do, we don’t want to go around talking about it and begging for it because that is just not good for our image you dig? But we are women with sexuality so powerful that if you scratch the surface and do it correctly you will be utterly astonished with the results. It’s like a rose that hasn’t bloomed yet and you carefully but meaningfully pull back the petals so that you can enjoy the flower within.

We definitely do not want you to say out loud, in front of us that you think Kate Upton is hot. We don’t want you to say that about anybody in fact. Of course we’re not morons and we know you’re thinking it but we don’t want to hear it. We want to be the hottest, most desirable thing that you have ever come across. Some of us know how to keep our opinions in check, so we will act like we can roll with you perving over some nymphette and be all cool with it so we try to be ‘liberal’ and ‘chill’ but in actual fact, inside we are seething. When your girl is giving you the cold shoulder and you ask “What’s wrong?” and she says “Nothing” repeatedly, you may need to consider what you may have said a few hours prior. She will get over it and she will deny that is the reason why she is pissed, but let’s be real here. She wants to be your centrefold and only her.

Women like powerful, ambitious men with nice shoes, good taste in music and who smell nice. We like to be treated like you love us, yet fucked like you hate us. Muscles, fast cars, loads of money and abs you could grate cheese off are all nice additions like rims on a nice car, but not essential. You don’t make us look good if you’re hot, it’s not like that for us like it is for you, you are more alluring if you are full of promise and potential. A diamond in the rough, if you will. Also, not being a little bitch helps.

If you are over it and you want to cut shit loose, then tell her. Being cold and distant and ignoring her messages and bailing after 10 minutes while she is left lying in the wet patch is a recipe for disaster. She will fall pregnant on purpose, I am fucking warning you. Call her, do it properly and give her the respect she deserves considering that she is, in fact, a human being. Don’t just slap her on the back and call her ‘mate’ the next time you see her out and then get all ‘surprised’ when you discover your tyres are slashed.

And lastly: Size matters, using emoticons are real clit killers, we hate dick pics; we just allow it because we don’t want to embarrass you and finally, don’t act as though you have ‘lost your way’… we know where you were aiming. Ask first.

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