Shooting from the Hip: Porn and Stuff

The Obnoxious Owl brings her penetrating insight to adult entertainment

Posted By Obnoxious Owl |

Porn was forced upon me as child rather than me seeking it out of childish curiosity. I don’t mean that I was fingered by Santa or abused in any way… I know how that first sentence sounded and it was meant to be provocative because that is what is expected of me. I meant it was forced on me in that me and my friend accidentally came across her father’s Hustler stash when I was seven or eight years old. In those days there were stars where the nipples should have been and the nether regions were more Australian Outback than the sandy smooth beaches of Brazil if you know what I mean – at the time I felt peculiar which I now have come to understand was arousal. Yes even as a child. It explains everything, amirite?

After perusing youporn.com, pornhub.com and the ever-so-eloquent spankwire.com (for research purposes of course) I found I had the usual mixture of excitement, arousal and, thanks to my Catholic upbringing, it was all followed swiftly by guilt. It’s one thing watching the plastic people (also known as porn stars) plough each other because that is just what they do. Watching them is like watching the porn olympics: it just comes so natural to them. It’s so polished, so professional, so, um, fluid. But just like the olympics, it does become a little boring. We become jaded with the superhumans basically showing off and being rewarded at the end with medals/pearl necklaces.

This is where the ‘amateurs’ come in. Going by the dead look in their eyes and the way they – how you say? – suck dick, they are obviously amateurs to porn and not to having sex. The bruises and the shaving rash around the genitals just add to the whole seedy experience and no its not wholesome or ‘right’ but that’s what makes it that much better. You don’t even have to search too hard for it either. There in the murky trenches of the internet lay all that is filthy and impure. All that is going to get you off and make you hate yourself afterwards.

So why do we keep going back for more after we have zipped up and vowed to never do it again? Why do we find ourselves typing ‘drunk girl abused’ in the search engine when the perfectly douched porn stars begin to resemble paint drying? Because we are slaves to the desires of our physical selves and with the help of the internet we are slowly losing touch with our spiritual selves as we consume media like a whale consumes millions of tiny, itty bitty fish. The beast doesn’t even taste it! He just wants loads and loads, more and more, until he is not hungry anymore. That, and that we are all perverts according to Freud.

I think we indulge in pornography for the same reasons we do alcohol, the devil’s lettuce and other such naughty things: we want to escape reality and if that involves watching the degradation of human beings as we watch them suck and fuck like slabs of meat then so be it! After all, it’s somebody else’s daughter/wife/mother/pet horse/sister, not ours. Phew! The only problem is that with it being so accessible these days it has given us – and when I say us, I mean men – an unrealistic idea of how it should all go down. I have touched on the ol’ ‘bumhole’ debate in a previous piece (please feel free to browse my back catalogue – excuse the pun) but there is the squirting, the every orifice being penetrated, the abnormally large dongs and the shockingly robust vaginas. These people are freaks of nature! Your body may be your temple but only freaks treat it as the Taj Mahal and open it up to all and sundry. We don’t go to the circus and then come home and try and get our dogs to jump through hoops that are on fire, do we? Porn should be treated with the same approach as creampies… in moderation and only on special occasions.

Keep up with The Obnoxious Owl’s weekly Shooting From the Hip column here.

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