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Being guilty of any of any of the seven deadly sins is probably what’s standing in our way of having any kind of meaningful relationship with anyone other than our own hand. Blaming our physical appearance or ‘lack of confidence’ is just an excuse, really.

When people talk about the art of growing old gracefully, they’re often talking about going grey and avoiding the plastic surgeon’s knife. But aging gracefully should also involve unblocking those fatal flaws in our character that won’t allow true happiness to flow.

Let’s take a closer look at those seven deadly sins.

Pride: Thinking you’re the shit come rain or shine

Also known as vanity. It is the excessive belief in one’s own ability to the point of being deluded and lacking self-awareness… *cough* Kanye *cough*. They also say that all sin is spawned from this, as it is the problem and everything else could be described as the symptom. When pride has set up camp in your character, the bigger picture fades from your view and you become an egotistical fool with an inability to communicate with any real honesty. If pride is your jam, you probably have a lot of mirrors. Which is good, because you will probably end up alone and will need somebody to talk to.

Envy: Wanting someone else’s shit

This doesn’t seem so bad because we often confuse it with admiration, except the differences between being envious and admiring comes down to what drives the focus. Are you happy for someone else or would you rather they failed? To be envious is the opposite of being grateful. Those that are filled with envy will always be chasing contentment. And that is probably what Hell is all about.

Gluttony: Eating all the pies and fucking all the hoes

The insatiable desire to consume more than which we need. Whether it be food, the opposite sex or material goods. If you are overweight and unhappy it is because you are a glutton. Always broke? Drama-filled dating life? You’re biting off more than you can chew mate. Literally.

Lust: Never not horny

Oh sweet beautiful lust. The feeling of a warm body in a cold bed, the tiny puckered lips around one’s genitalia, the animalistic desire to be naked and to fuck despite the consequences. And there we have it… consequences. Consequences – they will always differ but they will always be there. Lust causes AIDS! And unwanted pregnancies! And UTIs!

Greed: I.can’t.get.no.sa-tis-faction…

Answer the question: If something is free and easy to acquire, how much would you take? Do not mistake humility for weakness. I don’t want to use the saying ‘What you own will end up owning you,’ but I just did.

Sloth: Sitting on your ass

The older generation have decided that Gen Y consists entirely of people who have an outrageous sense of entitlement to an extremely idealistic life that we have no intention of working for. Are they right? Either way, laziness is highly contradictory if you are guilty of greed or gluttony. Or even lust for that matter.

Keep up with The Obnoxious Owl’s weekly ‘Shooting From the Hip’ column here.