They say the clothes maketh the man. But the first thing that comes to mind as I type that sentence is Tom Hanks at the end of the 80s movie BIG, when his body morphs back into a teenager again and he is still wearing the grown man’s suit. He walks up the road with the sleeves hanging past his wrists, his trousers falling below his ass and he trips over his too-big dress shoes. Sometimes I visualise certain, um, ‘men’ like this on the regular.

So what does maketh the man? Money? Power? A massive weiner? Does a boy become a man on his 18th birthday or the day he leaves home? Has age got anything to do with it? I think the key differences are a lot more subtle than the ability to grow a beard, and they are as follows:

Boys like to make lists. They like to talk and document wherever they can about what they are going to do one day. They um and they ah and they wonder about what should happen and what route to take in life. A man knows what needs to be done.

Boys tell people what they want to hear. A man just says what he has to say. There is no need to play games when it comes to men. They know what they are entitled to and can hold their own within any situation.

Boys accumulate gadgets and toys, whereas a man will build a library of books. Boys think their status depends on their possessions, a man understands that it is his mind that makes him king

Boys spend hours upon hours in the gym building muscle. The ripples on his stomach gleam with sweat under the fluorescent gym lights and he will be big and strong come next Future Music Festival. Men work out as well, except their goal is vitality.

Boys drift; men aim. This is also relevant to toilet bowl etiquette. Boys are also disruptive and, while they are momentarily entertaining, it will be the man in the room who instills order.

Boys struggle to raise their own children into well-adjusted adults. A man will raise his own as well as somebody else’s.

A boy knows how to fuck. A man knows how to please.

A man knows the difference between an inconvenience and a problem and can often be relied upon for a solution.

Men call; boys text / Facebook message / tweet / leave messages on Instagram photos.

Men and boys both understand success except they place their value in different areas. A boy will swim in a sea of gold; a man swims in a sea of respect.

A boy knows how to build a house. He knows how to get money together and buy within his means. A man – well, a man knows how to build a home.

Keep up with The Obnoxious Owl’s weekly ‘Shooting From the Hip’ column here.