Shooting from the Hip: The Eating Out Guide
The Obnoxious Owl gives you a heads up on going down. And we don’t mean to China Town.28-Sep-2012
So here we go then, a guide for the fellas in the art of cunnilingus (‘going down on us’ for the slow ones). Believe it or not, there are a few women who do not enjoy having their bits licked – they are obviously mad. If they have had been orally stimulated correctly, I doubt this would be the case. Having a man give you head is possibly one of the best things in the world. Ever. Followed closely by a pair Giuseppe Zanotti heels. But you know what is even better? Wearing a pair of them while it’s happening. One can dream…
Here we go boys…take it all in now!
THE BUILD UP - Come now gentleman, you don’t wanna be rushing in quicker than Britney Spears into KFC – easy does it. Pay the inner thighs some attention. Kiss and lick them tenderly and gently stroke her lady lips with just the tip of your tongue. Don’t rush things! They’re not going anywhere and they also don’t talk back! Well, some don’t.
THE INITIAL LICK - This is where most guys screw it up, because they go straight for the clit and stay there, staring up at us with proud little faces waiting for us to magically explode. If we do… we’re faking it.
USE YOUR HANDS - Don’t make me say it – you know what I mean. And we are not lemons and nor are you a lemon juicer so chill with that twisty mechanical motion ploise!
USE THAT TONGUE LIKE IT’S FOR SALE AND RENT IS DUE - Roll the tip and somewhat flat part of your tongue around the clit in a circular motion. Do this slowly and when we say don’t stop…that means…don’t fucking stop. It is super crucial to hold your rhythm here.
LISTEN TO HER BREATHING - Use this as feedback and respond with your tongue. If her breathing is steady, you are doing it right. She should be breathing heavily now, not moaning, breathing. The key still remains that you DON’T STOP, not even to pick a hair out of your mouth or to gaze at her fondly – there is plenty of time for that.
KEEP THAT RHYTHM GOING - Listen to her breathing, the faster your tongue, the faster her breathing should be and if it’s on target, start using the tip of your tongue. Flick it back and forth as fast as you can, practice on the end of your finger… do it now! It’s kinda like using your tongue as a vibrator. If you can keep this up and DON’T STOP then after about a minute… she will be dancing on clouds with the unicorns.
SHE HAS YET TO ARRIVE? - Then stick two fingers inside and hook them then, flick ‘em back and forth as if you are doing a ‘come here’ motion. You want your fingers to hold the harmony, while your tongue works the melody… you know? This should do it. And if you are lucky, you might experience the elusive female ejaculation.
YOU ARE NOT DONE - No you most certainly are not. After cumming she will be super sensitive and will probably try and push your head away and squirm but do not budge! Keep that shit going and pretty soon, she will scream again and declare you king!
You will know if you have done a good job because she should be super eager to please after this. However, after all your effort and if you did it all correctly and she did have a mind blowing orgasm but she doesn’t aim to please then you may happy slap her with your penis.
Keep up with the Obnoxious Owl’s weekly column ‘Shooting from the Hip’ here.