Breaking up is hard to do. In fact, it is damn near impossible. No I am not going through a break up, but I did just list a watch gifted to me 10 years ago by my ex on ebay and it got me thinking. They say cutting off an ex should be like getting rid of a gangrenous limb, in that it should be done swiftly and neatly like “You are the weakest link, g’bye” but you know how when you drop something and it breaks cleanly in half? You think you can just pick it up and mend it yeah? Bit of SuperGlue and Bob’s your uncle! But if it smashes into a million shards and some go under the fridge well then… show is over.
I feel like breaking up is like a tube of near finished toothpaste and you only have $2 left till payday. You have to squeeze that sucker and even snip off the end to scrape whatever is left from the tube until you are satisfied you got your moneys worth. Otherwise, you’ll be wondering ‘what if’. I realise that this all highly depends on how long you were dating and your reasons for calling it quits but still! I mean, the person who has seen parts of your anatomy that you can only see yourself after a few yoga classes and a handheld mirror is now just somebody that you used to know? It’s fucking hard man.
It also has a lot to do with who is the dumper and who is the dumpee, this is true. I reckon most of us have been on both ends and let’s face it, we would much rather be calling the shots than not. I reckon other than the sheer devastation and hurt you go through when being tossed to the curb, it’s the fact you feel so helpless that someone is pretty much telling you how your immediate future is about to pan out that’s the kicker and there is nothing you can do about it. But then on the flip side of the coin, if you’re the one doing the dumping and the other person doesn’t want a bar of it, well then you just feel like a humungous asshole.
Try as you might to drive that final rusty nail into your relationship coffin, like a moth to a blowtorch they will be back for more. They will be boasting about how much better they’re doing and might even convince you that you could still be friends. However the idea that a once pathetic, sniffling mess trying to beg their way back into a shattered relationship could suddenly transform into a pillar of maturity looking to engage in a purely platonic friendship with the very person that served them up a big piece of rejection pie, is something best reserved for movies starring Jennifer Aniston.
I think the breaking up process needs to be dragged out a little because when it’s over, it’s over. It’s like the last ride on the rollercoaster before the fair leaves town, ya know? Things need to be said, names need to be called, angry sex needs to be had… drive that baby home! Because once the milk is spilt, there is no use crying. That means, no calls or visits to one another’s respective families, no catch ups on birthdays and Christmas, no ‘accidental run-ins’ and definitely no being friends on facebook or sending texts at ungodly hours. In fact, numbers should be deleted. Friends text, sure! But only stalkers, booty callers and broken hearts looking to put the ‘ex’ into ‘sex’ send texts at two in the morning. No you cannot ‘still be friends’! Are you actually fucking crazy? If you are still able to be friends with an ex that means you are either still in love or you were never in love in the first place.
Keep up with Obnoxious Owl’s weekly column ‘Shooting from the Hip’ here.