Shooting from the Hip: The harsh truth about hook ups
Get schooled by The Obnoxious Owl on the real deal about the fate of your penis. You can thank her later.14-Sep-2012
Hey duuuuuuudes, so tonight I was talking to a male friend who was going off on one about this ‘choice chick’ he pulled at a bar recently and how she was ‘gagging for it’. Well, what a crock of shit that is.
Let me tell you something genius… when girls go to the bathroom or the bar together, we talk about you, even if we went there without the explicit intention of talking about you, it is what we end up doing anyway. We also hear all the other conversations that go on in the bathroom so when you think you are such a G and that you wooed her into going home with you, what really happened is that on her trip to the bathroom she talked to at least three or four of her girlfriends and was all like, “So do you think I should hook up with this guy or what?” And then all her friends are like, “Yeah babe you should totally do it! Go on, do it! You’re like totally single now, you aren’t with blah blah anymore and he was such an asshole to you and you deserve to just hook up for the night and have fun!” So it wasn’t you, OK? It was already decided amongst the girls that she was going to go home with you so don’t take too much credit for it. The next time that you walk past the girl’s bathroom know that your dick’s fate lies in there. Hey man, at least we do it in another room! At least we’re fucking polite!
AND ANOTHER THING…
When I asked how the sex was and he said, “Ah it was alright, she was such a starfish and just laid there”. Do you know how many times I hear guys say this? Did you ever think in your wildest dreams that maybe she just wasn’t into it? Maybe you are not the sexual demon you think you are and are not in fact ‘tearing her ass up’ because evidently, her ass is falling asleep.
AND FURTHER MORE…
When she sent him the text the next day to say she had a nice time and thanks for the lift home he said, “Man, she is SUPER keen!” Why? Because she was polite and said thank you after you swapped bodily fluids for the evening? Because she was being a fucking adult? I guess if she sent another message she would be labeled a ‘psycho’ huh?
I know you like to puff your chest and etch another notch in your Ikea bedpost but nine times out of ten she is just letting you think you have that because well, we’re nice like that.
You can keep up with the Obnoxious Owl’s weekly column, ‘Shooting from the Hip’ here.