Shooting from the Hip: The Truth about Threesomes

The Obnoxious Owl provides a dose of reality to the ‘three in a bed’ concept

Posted By Obnoxious Owl |

“One’s company. Two’s Company. Three’s a Party” – Yeah whatever mate…

The topic of threesomes came up over the weekend.  No, one thing did not lead to another and no there were no offers of any either. It’s kind of weird to me how threesomes are even a big deal these days when you think how far down they are on the search list on any porn site.  Anal seems to be like blowing someone a kiss these days and you don’t even have to look that hard to find a girl getting fresh with an Alsatian, it’s that accessible you could even stumble across the fucking thing when all you were trying to do was Google lipstick colours.

So, why is bringing a third party into the equation on everyone’s bucket list? It’s so lame. For one, it’s unnatural. These things are never spontaneous. They would 99% of the time need to be orchestrated and goddamn would it be hard to set up.  Threesomes just require too much planning to make them sexy. Unless of course your gf is the kinda girl who has a stack of stripper friends. Except her stripper friends’ bodies will probably be marginally better than hers and you will inevitably end up having to convince her otherwise. Yeah, good luck with that. Also, you would need to be drunk I’d imagine.

Another good reason why the human tripod is overrated is that humans are stupid.  8 out of 10 of us are shitty in bed and that is why the thought of the threesome is exciting, because it makes us feel like we could be pornstars or something.  Threesomes require tenacity.  There is no room for laziness because you will just end up being left out. I reckon when most people (read men) think of being involved in a threesome it is usually them just laying there while two people have their way with them.  So unless you’re in Thailand and you have a spare twenty, it’s probably going to be three naked, awkward people just laying there. This kind of sexual act needs people who are all sexual deviants, who boast tonnes of experience and are comfortable with their bodies and are brimming with tantalizing or just plain ol’ filthy ideas. Such a thing is unlikely to exist outside of Nevada.

Also… I am guessing that most men would be really bad at it. Women probably won’t be great because its takes sexual initiative and that is usually a man’s territory. Most dudes want to do it so that they can say they have done it. Like going to Disneyland or something. Even when you are watching two girls wrestle for your manhood, you won’t even be living in the moment because all you will be thinking is, “Man I wish my mates could see this!”

Sure, the thought of two very liberal, very hot chicks who are great at blowjobs on the cusp of a cat fight over your knob are what dreams are made of! Keyword here is ‘dreams’. Because, quite frankly, you’re dreaming.  For one thing, if you are entertaining the thought of a threesome to spice up your sex life with your long-term girlfriend, then you are simply putting the wheels in motion for either a break up or a very, very drama-filled life. Your girlfriend is never going to allow you to pay more attention to the other girl than you will towards her. She is not going to lick pussy like it’s a jar of Nutella and let’s be real; it’s all going to be a bit awkward. I kind of imagine it being one of those cartoon fights where you just see a ball of dust with legs and arms shooting out of it and stars!  Porn makes it look so fantastic because that shit is choreographed. It is completely understandable to want to make your partner feel comfortable during the act but what about the other broad huh? What is she? Chopped liver? Unless you have hired a prozzie for the evening (which I suggest would be the only way to go) homegirl ain’t there to be your human sex toy buddy, she’s gonna need some satisfaction as well.  It’s not like it is her mission to be the sexual pepper on the bland salad that is your sex life.

So when you think about it, when you actually weigh it all up and analyse the situation in cold blood and be honest with yourself… you will find that you will admit to yourself that a three-way is about as much fun as watching some shitty band at a festival. In the rain. With warm beer. Surrounded by fuckwits. Needing to pee so bad you can taste it. In broken sandals. And your ticket was $200. It all seemed like such a good idea at the time….

Shooting from the Hip is a new weekly column from Tammy Croucher AKA The Obnoxious Owl. Check back here for updates.

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