Shooting from the Hip: Tips for my Teenage Self
Ever wish you could give advice to your teenage self with what you know now? So does The Obnoxious Owl.21-Sep-2012
The first time you have sex with a boy, you will think you are in love but you are not.
First of all, the first time is shit. Well, usually it is. The whole idea of giving someone special ‘your flower’ is best reserved for movies like The Notebook. I mean, in an ideal world that would be um, ideal but in the real world, that shit is rare. So it is likely that you are going to have weird, awkward, first time sex with an undeserving, not-so-special someone and then when it’s over, you will think that you are in love when in actual fact, your body just experienced some kind of weird ecstatic sensation and then you marry said sensation with the teenage male human lying on top of you and then you assume that he is the cause of the quiver in your nether region. He ain’t honey. Your body is capable of acquiring those sensations all on its own thank you very much, and while the first time hero may have given you a hand, he was definitely not the reason you experienced such ecstasy. And believe me, if you think THAT is ecstasy then it is only going to go up from here.
Your parents will annoy you forever.
It doesn’t suddenly end when you become an adult and gain some independence from them. In fact, it’s kinda worse because not only will they annoy you, you will also feel guilty about feeling annoyed because as you get older (and apologies for the sentiment here) you really do begin to realise how precious time is so you know that you should be making the most of time spent with the folks. You know you need to call more, skype more, email more and you never get round to it because, well… there is no excuse really. You just never do it or never do it as often as you like/should. Basically, there is no use fighting with them and being embarrassed by them because that never goes away. It is best to start understanding them as human beings as early as possible. Find out who they were before marriage and kids came their way and you will find that you are in fact, unfortunately, just like them.
You know that plan you have about being married with a kid and house by a certain age?
It’s not going to happen. John Lennon said, “Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans”. Moral of the story? Go out there and live kiddies! When you are 18, 35 sounds sooooooo old not to mention 30! It goes by like THAT *click*. And not only that, setting yourself that ridiculous benchmark will only lead to anxiety because on the morning of your birthday when you thought you would have kids at the end of the bed and a partner turning over to kiss you Happy Birthday but instead you don’t even know the name of the person next to you and the only thing at the end of your bed is a bucket, you may feel inclined to focus on what you don’t have instead of what you do. Don’t worry though, everyone does it.
Drinking and drugs.
Blah blah blah everything in moderation blah blah blah. No one likes a junkie basically.
You know those bitches and bullies at school?
In 10 years you will look at them on facebook and laugh. You may even like an occasional photograph or status update out of nostalgia. But other than that, the impact they will have on your life in your later years is a big fat zero. But this is all depending on how much you allow them to affect you now while you are ripe and easily molded. And if you happen to be a bitch or a bully then may I suggest that you sort your teenage ass out right now please because we have enough asshole adults in the world.
Say no to debt, start saving early, stop spending beautiful days inside on the internet and you are not fat and one day you will look back and won’t believe how thin you were and as for the boys, yeah you really are a bit awkward and you do sound funny but hold tight! Things are about to get better I swear!
Keep up with The Obnoxious Owl’s weekly column ‘Shooting From the Hip’ here.