The moment a little girl watches her first Disney movie she decides a) that she is a princess and b) that she wants to marry a prince. Disney fucks us up basically. Mainly because they raise the bar too high for any man to live up to. Also, the majority of women love Ariel the best and sit fantasising about being a goddamn mermaid. Tell me, how is anyone supposed to live up to any of this wild, childish imagination? There is that Tumblr meme that has been tumbled to death about how Disney has given girls unrealistic expectations about hair but really, it should be about men. Thanks a lot Walt, you bastard.

So after you lose your virginity (which for most, is not the most fantastic experience) and you date a few dropkicks, one begins to prune one’s list titled ‘My Ideal Man’. I’m not saying that we drop our standards…well kinda. No no, we don’t drop our standards, we just begin to realise what is important. I guess you could say we become more realistic. Like maybe the boy with the bedroom eyes and all the tattoos who only ever calls you at midnight is probably not husband material. No matter how much you flick the bean thinking about him or dry hump your pillow.

And in fairness to guys, it is kind of putting the pressure of the world on their shoulders to want that kind of animated perfection. Sure, they want a hot chick that has a face of an angel, the waist of a fairy, the ass of a Kardashian with tits to match but I’m not talking about appearance here. The gist of what they want from us generally is for us to (and I paraphrase Dave Chapelle) “play with their balls, hang out with them and make them a sandwich”… or something. How many women would say that they only want a man to put food on their table and give them multiple orgasms through the medium of cunnilingus? The answer to that would be, not many.

But that doesn’t mean to say that we want the earth. Once we accept that we are not Sleeping Beauty, then we begin to accept that there is no Prince Charming. The man in tights leaves our mind and in enters Mr All-Rounder. Every woman, whether she knows it or not, wants a man that makes her feel like the woman she was always meant to be. He encourages her to be better, to do better and to think for herself and he does this by being reliable, dependable, strong in character and by giving her multiple orgasms through the medium of cunnilingus.

What? You think those standards are too high? Well then you need to find some more self-confidence sir! Where in that list are we asking you to be Brad Pitt circa Snatch, hmm? And there were no mention of inches either, if you know what I mean. By wanting an All-Rounder in another half, it encourages said person to also be better, think better and do better. By wanting a lover who is also a friend and confidant you are only expecting another human to be the best possible version of themselves, which means, in the end, that everybody wins.

Unless of course you are Don Draper. Homeboy can do, be and act however he wants.

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