According to a recent study conducted by an American marriage counsellor it is estimated that 1 in 2.7 men will cheat.  I’m not quite sure how you get a .7 of a man but stranger things have happened State side. Yeah, so that’s basically 50% of the male population and I’m guessing a much larger percentage of wives and girlfriends will never know about it.

What is the number one reason behind men who cheat? Sex obviously.  Do not even give me that shit that they feel ‘neglected’ unless they feel that their woman not giving them the bumhole falls under ‘neglect’.  Also, thanks to Mad Men being the thing of the moment, smoking has gone through the roof and so has dipping one’s feet in the nextdoor neighbours pool… if you know what I mean.

And then there are a few other reasons:

Because they are not allowed to.

When they are hovering over some little nymphette they are there through their own choice. They are going against every rule, every code of conduct, every moral and they are feeling no regret. There is no blood in their brain, it is all in their penis and damn it feels good.

Because they make up their own rules.

It doesn’t count if the girl they are fucking is in a relationship too (read: she is taking a risk as much as they are so it’s deemed ‘safe’). It doesn’t count if she is less good looking than their girlfriend. It doesn’t count if they have no feelings for the girl whatsoever…there was no mention of the four letter word ‘love’. It doesn’t count if it happens on a work trip. It doesn’t count if it was a happy ending in Bali because ‘everybody does it!’

Let’s not forget the technicalities! 

It doesn’t count if they couldn’t get it up and had to thumb in a soft one.  It doesn’t count if you, their other half, refuses to give head therefore it’s your fault. It doesn’t count if they don’t cum or if they didn’t make her cum. It doesn’t count if he didn’t kiss her on the mouth.

They claim to love women.

They will boast that they have fucked the bartender at the joint all their friends go to and often drool over. They love the fact they fucked the stripper at their best mates stag do, the air hostess on their interstate flight from Melbourne to Perth, their girlfriend’s sister, the overweight virgin (of course, this one won’t count), the hotel clerk, someone famous etc. The list goes on and sometimes it is banal but sometimes it is epic.

It’s fun. 

They will probably be 150% more honest about themselves and what they would prefer sexually with someone they spend 50 minutes with than someone they will spend 50 years with. Not because they have to be but because they are free to be. When a man cheats, their body is overriding their soul and they are driven to do what feels good and not what is compulsory.

Yes I could replace the word ‘men’ here with the word ‘people’ because women cheat! I know this. But why is it that we read story after story from all these different women who had a hole in one with Tiger Woods, David Beckham and Jude Law? Please leave the name of the woman in the box below who can boast such a resume who also claims to be so noble and family orientated.

I get asked by females time and time again if they should take their man back when they are begging for forgiveness after they have been caught with their pants down or when several hundred nudes in their iPhone 4S that don’t belong to Siri have been discovered and I say the same thing every time. Sure! People make mistakes and he might not do it again but can you be sure that you won’t turn into a phone checking, email hacking, jealous crazy bitch psycho? Sure, go ahead and gamble your mental health and inner peace after all, didn’t he do the same thing?

Keep up with Obnoxious Owl’s weekly ‘Shooting from the Hip’ column here.