I am taking a little holiday from the internet dating thing because, quite frankly, I cannot cope. That being said, I haven’t really stumbled across anyone that I might find interesting. (Yes, I am aware how wanky that sounds.) Be that as it may, I have kept my beady little owl eye on what is going on within the world of dating. I have come to the very unoriginal conclusion that women have become the new men, or it could be vice versa. (Is a zebra a white animal with black stripes or a black animal with white stripes?) My point is, women have become the spine in most relationships and that is because we actually have one.

I’m not saying boys are spineless. Actually, that is exactly what I am saying. It is hard to be this opinionated sometimes, especially through this kind of medium, because I really need you to hear my tone. I am not slamming my hand down on the table and declaring, “Men have no backbone!” No. I am saying it with my head tilted to the side with a look of pity on my face. OK, maybe pity is the wrong word. Hmmm, not pity. More like… disappointment. Yes! That’s it, I am disappointed to discover that as we strive for equality within the sexes, we have missed the mark and ended up with a clear case of role reversal.

I guess that makes it sound like women used to be a bit spineless, a bit wet and wishy washy in terms of character – but it was different for us then. Men used to step up! Take charge of the situation! They used to own their environment and piss on lamp posts. The role of women was to be the queen whilst her king took life by the balls.

Of course, as always, there are exceptions. I am not saying all men have become wimps and not all women are having to wear the trousers, but goddammit, the trend is rising quicker than you can say ‘twerk’. Perhaps it’s all the chicken we eat that makes it seem like a lot of the boys’ oestrogen levels are on the rise? I can’t quite put my finger on the cause of this horrible and highly irritating turn of events.

But then, one has to ask oneself, are girls maybe a little bit to blame? They say chivalry is dead, but did women kill it? Did we fight so hard for equality, and play men too hard at their own game, that we ended up breaking them? Do we harp on too much about wanting a sensitive guy, which in turn meant opening a can of worms? “Wait! Hold up! You’re going overboard on the sensitivity! Will you stop fucking crying and decide where we are going for dinner already?” I just think they got it twisted, the silly boys. When we said we wanted equality, it didn’t mean taking off their pants and giving it to us. No, it meant allowing us to wear our own so that we could wear them together with gusto and take over the world! Just look at that couple wearing those pants together and breezing through life on a cloud of decisive, non-passive aggressive happiness!

In fairness to the poor sods, they really don’t know where they stand with us half the time. They are trying, when you think about it. We just have to remind them that, just like they find femininity attractive in a woman, we find masculinity attractive in them.

Keep up with The Obnoxious Owl’s weekly ‘Shooting from the Hip’ column here.