‘Tis the season to dress up. In ACCLAIM’s home town we have the Melbourne Cup, Halloween and then a few Christmas parties rearing their heads. This means that my arch nemesis the ‘fancy dress’ is on the horizon. Let me tell you something about yourselves Australia: you guys love dress up parties more than any other nation I have ever had any dealings with. I don’t know why, and I don’t know where it stems from, but I have yet to meet an Aussie who is not gung-ho about giving his or her party a theme. You name it, I’ve been invited to it and I am ‘that guy’ who never makes the effort – and, if I do, it is usually piss poor. Why? Because I don’t like being told what to wear, and, also, forced enthusiasm always drops like a lead balloon. Why do you think New Year’s Eve parties are always so underwhelming?

Please spare me your hater comments in the comment box below, because everyone is entitled to their opinion and I am paid to give mine. Are any of you honestly able to tell me that you get excited to play dress-up? Even if you are invited to a party that you only sort of want to go to and then when you discover that you have to dress up as your favourite Simpsons character? Yeah right, baby. For a start, most people who organise a themed event usually have a costume in mind and the entire party revolves around said outfit, as he or she will be the centrepiece for the entire evening. It is just so obnoxious! (Yeah, yeah – I know that’s rich coming from me.)

I’m not going to go on about how Halloween is an American holiday (etcetera) because half the world has embraced the stars and stripes shenanigans. I even heard murmurs of Thanksgiving dinners being held on this side of the pond. Monkey see, monkey do, and all the monkeys love to watch US TV. Hey man, I ain’t no different – I indulge in a bit of self-loathing every time I watch those Kardashian broads, but I just can’t help myself. Ooh – could someone have a Kardashian themed party? I wanna go as North West.

Maybe I shouldn’t hate on this stuff too much. We all know how #lol it is when a group of fools get on your tram, their destination a ‘Come as something starting with the letter T’ party, and some winner is dressed as a used tampon. Oh, how we laugh! But it’s not just the costumes – it is also novelty dressing that fries my bacon. T-shirts that have a tuxedo print on the front or headphones printed around the neck? Remember when cowboy hats were a thing and guys wore them? Those hideous Jeremy Scott trainers with teddy bears and angel wings and whatnot? Ahh, maybe I am just getting old, but, then again, maybe not. My folks get giddy about dress-up parties and go all-out with face paint and spending actual cash money on hire costumes. My dad once went to a party as a toilet.

Maybe I am just being a big negative hater but I don’t actually care. I am up for fun and I am a ‘fun-loving’ person. In fact, it will say as much in most of the ‘about me’ sections on any forms that I have to fill in. I just have a strong distaste for corniness and things being played out. Spontaneity-themed is more my thing.