Spring is in the air and Melbourne has arrived to the party. The sun is out, the bees are fornicating and the tanning salons are back in business. First things first – I booked a wax appointment, got a pedicure and pulled the fake tan out from the back of the bathroom cabinet. There is no doubt about it, warm weather makes you feel happy and when you are feeling happy you are feeling sexy. It’s easy for a woman to feel like a bombshell – all she has to do is to conquer the art of positive thinking, confidence and feeling comfortable in one’s skin.

But the hippy shit aside, we still gotta make a bit of effort. All dem posi vibez ain’t gonna get rid of that winter weight we gained and those legs are not gonna shave themselves! But while we run around primping and plucking and waxing and eating salad, it would be nice if the fellas would meet us halfway. To be honest, the physical expectations put on men are a lot less than those put on us girls. And, yes, I realise we are our own worst enemy – but is it too much to ask that you start taking a little pride?

Here are some handy tips!

• Are you an over-groomer? Do you fake tan, shave and stare at yourself in the mirror whilst lifting weights? Who do you think you are? Peter Andre? Just stop it! My friend once dated this guy who straightened his hair every day and would never go swimming because he didn’t want to get his hair wet. Clit-killer × 12971921982. she was pretty cut when their union went sour but all we had to do to make sure she got over it was to get her to imagine him straightening his hair in the bathroom mirror in the morning with a towel wrapped around his waist. Job done.

• Unless you are at the beach, in the shower or chilling at home, put your shirt back on. The weather is hot but you are not.

• Lose the eyebrow ring. Take it out immediately. Don’t think that N’Sync reuniting gives it some credibility, because it does not.

• Wear suits and go to the gym and get your haircut, sure! But don’t fucking talk about it. Just let us notice it on our own – because we will – and it is so much sexier.

• If you hate getting laid you should wear a beanie in summer and thongs anywhere else but the beach. It’s not essential but it will help to keep your dick dry.

• Don’t be lazy. We do not see it as a privilege to give you a blow job for 20 minutes until our jaw feels like it does after you have been in the dentist chair for half an hour. The moaning, the eye watering, the watching of the teeth, the remembering to not forget your balls, the pretending like we love it – we do this for you. Then when you ask us ‘if we want to sit on it’ like you are doing us a favor while all the while you just get to lay there and we have to be some kind of pole dancer on a fleshy pole. It isn’t really doing that much for us. You just look like a starfish with a hard-on.

• Women are attracted to drive and ambition. Ever wondered why Donald Trump is macking out with a hot piece of ass on the reg? Don’t even get me started on Hugh Hefner! Money you say? Sure it helps to be laying on 5000 thread count Egyptian cotton when his old ass is jack-hammering you, but the cash is a by-product of the ultimate attraction: power. Jay Z did not nail Beyoncé because of his rugged good looks – ’cause homeboy ain’t no oil painting, and Lord knows ‘Yoncé don’t need the money. Ms Knowles got excited in her knickers because he is a man of integrity, ambition and determination. Nice guys really do finish last, and not because you have no money, but because you suck on your bong all day watching South Park.