If you know what the internet is then you should already know online veteran and producer Ryan Hemsworth. He makes benign pop beats, is part of the WEDIDIT collective and he collaborates and tours with some of the best names on SoundCloud. I could give you an in-depth rundown of his musical credentials, but every other media body and blog in existence has already done that. Instead, I’ll pose the argument that the Canadian producer is best known for being a cartoon-obsessed, sweatpants-wearing human meme. In a completely voyeuristic endeavour disguised as investigative journalism, here is the real story of Ryan Hemsworth, as translated by the internet:

Ryan Hemsworth studied journalism in college and wrote about music for the local paper in his hometown of Halifax, NS. He also had a music blog called A Half-Warmed Fish, which hosts gems includes his interview with Bangs. Obviously, he peaked pretty early in his journalistic career and has understandably retired. (Note: Writing for Twitter is exempt from his early retirement.)

He played drums in a band called Hemsworth briefly in high school. He didn’t write the songs, but they named the band after him. I’m patiently waiting for the former members to feature on an episode of Where Are They Now?

His favourite Pokémon is Dugtrio, although he does travel with a stuffed Pikachu that he was gifted by a fan whilst on tour. It’s hard to tell what the situation is, but I’m assuming monogamous relationships with breeds of Pokémon are rare, based on the promiscuity of Ash Ketchum.

Rumour has it that he will be doing some kind of work with David Wise, the composer behind the Donkey Kong Country soundtracks. He has gone on record to say “This song is perfect to me,” in relation to the track Stickerbrush Symphony from Donkey Kong Country 2.

He is DTF with ketchup-flavoured chips. Ladies please take note: he is not interested in you. He is purely interested in condiments. Unless you’re Aubrey Plaza. Then he is definitely down.

He can bust a move better than Napoleon Dynamite. Witness the fitness:

Ryan Hemsworth released his debut album Guilt Trips today via Last Gang Records. Trade your soul for a copy here.

We subtweeted Ryan Hemsworth until he chatted with us below:

<ACCLAIMmagazine> A/S/L?

<Ryan_Hemsworth> 0 / N/A / Swaghili.

<ACCLAIMmagazine> What’s your real name, not your cyber name?

<Ryan_Hemsworth> Ryan Hemsworth :(

<ACCLAIMmagazine> When did you first join the online community?

<Ryan_Hemsworth> When I was like 8 or 9. Either through ICQ or Habbo Hotel – I’m not sure which was first. My mom only let me add one friend to ICQ. (I acted mad, as if I had more friends at the time to add.) But I eventually added some cousins and realised just from that how exciting it was to be able to talk to a bunch of different people at the same time.

<ACCLAIMmagazine> Be honest, what was your first internet handle?

<Ryan_Hemsworth> On MSN I changed it constantly from \/\/eezer to |\|irvana to -*~lil princess~*-, and so on.

<ACCLAIMmagazine> Preferred net browser?

<Ryan_Hemsworth> Netscape.

<ACCLAIMmagazine> How many hours a day do you spend online?

<Ryan_Hemsworth> All of them.

<ACCLAIMmagazine> Favourite social media network and why?

<Ryan_Hemsworth> Twitter for the infinite accessibility to everyone everywhere or Whyville because of the cool hairstyles.

<ACCLAIMmagazine> To hashtag or not to hashtag?

<Ryan_Hemsworth> @henryomfg.

<Ryan_Hemsworth> No filter versus Filter

<Ryan_Hemsworth> It’s helped me play in like four different continents this year and go to New York Fashion Week and talk to Diplo about Justin Bieber and realise some people like my music

<Ryan_Hemsworth> Just stay in touch and check in on different friends from all walks of life, not your one small crew of friends.