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No Country for Old (Rap) Men: Being Positive Is For Chumps

Posted by Robbie Ettelson

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I’ve come to the sad realisation that I may spend just a little too much time on Twitter at the moment. Being that it’s my only form of contact with the world outside of Mother’s Basement, I have little choice in the matter, unless I actually find some kind of gainful employment (yeah, right) and get my own place. Since I’m far too busy interviewing old rappers, listening to The Combat Jack Show and watching the Star and Buc Wild Show live stream on YouTube every morning, I don’t see that happening anytime soon. So it’s best I make the best of the situation and just accept that Twitter is the best possible place to hang out while eating cereal at 2.00 am in your underwear.

The key to actually getting any form of entertainment out of Twitter relies on who you follow, natch. Every now and then, against my better judgement, I follow an ’80s rapper/hip-hop personality just in case they start revealing face-meltingly great stories about studio sessions from 1987. In the case of some folks, this actually happens. For example, last night DJ Scratch revealed that he did the scratches for EPMD’s “Rampage” while he was pissed the eff off because he’d been called back to New York while on holiday. This is gold. The stuff that many other “Golden Era” characters write? Not so much. I have a sneaking suspicion that there is some kind of Inspirational Tweet Bot/Intern that sits around and writes these inane “feel-good” quotes on behalf of the accounts of legends such as LL Cool J, MC Lyte and Russell “Rush” Simmons.

Here are some examples from MC Lyte:

 

https://twitter.com/mclyte/status/294883734937817088

https://twitter.com/mclyte/status/309916464356417536

https://twitter.com/mclyte/status/309048424597159938

 

Feel free to throw up in your mouth at this point. Russell Simmons, who is too busy dating former Home and Away actresses to actually run his own account, offers us “gems” like this:

 

https://twitter.com/UncleRUSH/status/310105743904866304

 

Really? This is from a guy who started his career in the music game slinging bags of dust at parties and the dude who drove Rick Rubin to move to LA and stop making great rap beats? Here’s another zinger:

 

https://twitter.com/UncleRUSH/status/285040830799032320

 

Guess I shouldn’t be surprised to hear this kind of stuff from Rush considering how he has embraced the new-age yoga lifestyle in recent times, but even after unfollowing him years ago I still have to endure this drivel through people I follow retweeting him. Ugh.

Meanwhile, LL Cool J, aka the greatest rapper of all time, has clearly only just discovered how Twitter actually works, considering that he spent his entire time as the host of the last Grammy’s reading out tweets from people live on stage. You can’t make this stuff up. James Todd’s account recently provided this keeper:

 

https://twitter.com/llcoolj/status/306454455237361665

 

Are you kidding me? The guy who made Mama Said Knock You Out wants me to love myself like a rainbow? This can’t be life.

 

https://twitter.com/llcoolj/status/306217495197523969

 

My only “dream” at this point involves not having to read another inspirational quote for as long as I live (OK, that and taking Syndicate Queen Darlene to a Sade concert).

Clearly, this is a job for Fuckboi Media Group, International. Allow me to introduce our new division – Rainbow Land Tweet Team. Here are a few, free of charge, to get you started. “Make out with a unicorn today and your will cry Jolly Rancher tears of joy”. How about: “Ride a rainbow to work today”. One more? “Only You can make You The bestest darn You You Can Be. Love You”. For only $1,200 a month, all of these soul-stirring quotes can be yours! Before you know it, the whole world will be one big, warm, fuzzy ball of hugs. Employment opportunities are available for the most awesome InspireTweet® left in the comments section…

Keep up with Robbie’s weekly ‘No Country For Old (Rap) Men’ here.

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