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No Country for Old (Rap) Men: The worst rap album movie skits

AKA a brief history of Pain In Da Ass features

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Cleverly utilised movie dialogue samples have been a rap staple since the early days, providing atmospheric additions to some great songs. But as with the art of sampling old records, as hip-hop became a billion-dollar business the cost of legally clearing a section of classic celluloid magic (preferably involving Al Pacino, Ray Liotta or Robert DeNiro) became prohibitively expensive. This ushered in the age of poorly re-enacted film quotes, where in order to save a few thousand dollars the crew at Roc-A-Fella enlisted the nearest studio engineer who looked vaguely Mediterranean to attempt an impersonation of a popular gangster flick. Here are some of the worst offenders.


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01. 'Reasonable Doubt Intro' and the intro to 'Brooklyn's Finest' - Jay Z

While it’s not actually titled as such, this recreation of Tony Montana and Manolo’s first encounter with the lecherous Omar in Scarface is laughably bad. One can only imagine that it was used in place of the real deal from F. Murray Abraham so that he could slip Jay-Z’s name in there at the end. This was Pain In Da Ass’ first time on record, but sadly nobody seemed to notice that it was neither a convincing facsimile nor a witty satire of the original scene. It just sounds corny. In an attempt to demonstrate his versatility, he then switches up to channeling Pacino’s Carlito Brigante for the intro to Jay and Biggie’s duet and does that bit from the pool hall shoot-out.

 


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02. 'Intro/A Million and One Questions' - Jay Z

Pain In Da Ass returned for the second Jay Z album to do…more Carlito. Why not throw in some Godfather or Casino or one of any other dozens of other great films of the genre? And was this guy the only kid that would agree to hang out in the recording studio long enough to record a skit after receiving a meatball hero and some dirt weed as payment?

 


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03. 'Intro - Hand It Down' - Jay Z

Another album, another shitty Pacino impression. ‘Bleek’s is gonna make a good rapper. New, improved Jay Z!’ Lulz. So this is meant to be a voiceover from a dying Jay Z who thinks he’s in Carlito’s Way? Why didn’t Mr. Carter just say it then?

 


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04. 'Pain In The Ass Intro' and 'You're Welcome' - Memphis Bleek

Remember the opening scenes of the seminal Scorsese tour-de-force that is Goodfellas? Where Henry Hill recounts how he fell in love with the wise guy lifestyle at a tender young age? Or how about the scene from King of New York when Frank White (as played by Christopher Walken) returns from an up north trip and reclaims his throne? For the introduction to loyal Jay Z weed carrier Memphis Bleek’s debut solo LP, Coming of Age, fellow baggage handler Pain In Da Ass was enlisted to provide his own ‘unique’ take on these iconic scenes. Whether or not these performances were included as part of the ‘so bad it’s good’ clause or are simply the result of everyone getting far too high in the studio and thinking that this guy totally nailed it, we’ll never know.

 


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05. 'Reloaded' - Statik Selektah

Years after his Roc-A-Fella ‘glory days,’ Statik Selektah decided to bring Pain In Da Ass back for another one of his signature performances. Returning to Liotta’s Henry Hill again, it’s another scene from Goodfellas, only with Statik’s name shoehorned in. I guess we’ve found the one person on the planet who thought those Roc skits were a good idea!

 


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06. 'Da Bosses Lady'

I’m assuming that Pain In Da Ass was busy when G Rap recorded his own version of the discussion between Scarface’s Tony and Manny about Elvira (as played by Michelle Pfeiffer), but I could be wrong. While he isn’t credited, how many other sub-par voice-over actors were available for rap album appearances in the ‘90s? It’s not easy to differentiate between third-rate Montana knock-offs.

 


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07. 'The Bad Guy' - Fabolous

Pain In Da Ass surely peaked here, when he graduated from doing intros to providing the opening, the hook and the outro for Fab – playing Tony Montana once again. Confusingly, he combines the coked-out dinner scene with the part where he shoots Mel the corrupt cop in the gut.

So as it turns out, this could have just been an article about Pain In Da Ass, who clearly isn’t even Italian based on the fact that his government name is Wayne Hirschorn. This collection of skits and interludes is, if nothing else, proof positive that getting wasted while recording a rap album is fraught with dangers such as allowing embarrassingly bad Pacino cover artists to fuck up the start of your tape and/or song. Someone should also hand this guy a Source Award for achieving such low levels of quality so consistently for so very long. *golf clap.*