Nothing is better than all-white shoes. Not sex, not Christmas – nothing. Thanks to the combination of their proximity to an unpredictably filthy ground and their immaculate nature when you yank ’em off the shelf, white shoes show that you’re elevated above peasant-class humans, a visual prompt to show you’re living the kind of lavish life where risks with perfect footwear can be banked on. And when you wear all-white shoes, you’re not just anyone. You’re a coke-toed puddle-eschewing alphet-lord for whom unsolicited compliments are as commonplace as ‘Left Shark’ memes in a post-Super Bowl news cycle.

Dialling in to the steezmeister frequency, adidas Tubulars finally come in a better-than-sex-version, though they call it ‘White Out’. The release date of these stunners isn’t out yet so in the meantime stay laced in white and we’ll let you know when they’re available.

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