Weekly updates:

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Weekly updates

If she ever pulls you up for checking out another girl turn around and say; “Whoah babe, I am SO glad that you don’t dress like that!’

Girls are extremely competitive when it comes to fashion.  If a man and woman walk into a room at the same time a girl will always look at the girl first and it will usually be up and down. Female insecurities and identity crisises run long and deep my friends.

Our boobs are not jumping castles for your fingers.

They are actually attached to our body and they are highly sensitive and can really work in your favour if you had half a clue! Imagine they were your testicles… no really! Imagine! Now how does it feel when your balls are squeezed and yanked and basically man-handled compared to being lightly cupped, softly sucked and given as much attention as other things? Are you picking up what I’m putting down?

If you take a girl out for coffee then have coffee. 

I don’t care if you don’t like it, order it. You can even order tea or just water if you really can’t handle it. But asking for a hot chocolate, a skinny anything or something with chai in the name will make you sound like you have had a man in your mouth.

Never ask if you may kiss a girl before you kiss her.

It makes you look like a complete pussy. #writethatdown

Things you pay for:

1) The first date. She should offer to if she is half decent but you should decline that offer. 2) The morning after pill.  Well actually, this is much like the first date… you should offer and she should decline. 3) You’re own rent/weed/Supreme bullshit.

Homophobia is gay. 

I still can’t believe this even exists! Seriously guys, are you that weirded out by your own sexuality that you can’t handle a gay guy checking you out? What do you think they are going to do to you exactly? Hold you down and stick their pee-pee in your bum-bum?  They can’t even hold down their cocktails let alone hold you down you imbecile. And while I’m at it, guys who wear skinny jeans and rock top-knots are not GAY they are just ‘arty’ ok? Ok.

We hate dick pics. 

“I played with myself all night over this very blurry, pixelated picture of a dude holding the base of his dick in order to make it look bigger” – said no girl ever. We hate it! Actually, only some of us hate it and the rest are indifferent. I know some girls ask for it and 99% of the time it is collateral for just in case you leak the saucy nudes they have sent you. And they say technology is meant to simplify our lives hey?

Go easy on the cologne/man perfume. 

Girls like you to smell nice but we like to see you before we smell you and not the other way round. One squirt and you’re done. That’s what she said.

It’s none of my business but…

Wait until she loves you before you reveal your breakdancing/the epic long story behind the reason you got your tattoo/porn collection.

Get a clue.

If a girl voluntarily gives you her number, give her yours by sending her a message if you want her to have it. Don’t tell her yours straight back and then play the game of who is going to message first. Or if she gives you her number and you don’t actually want it then just say thank you and never use it. The message will be loud and clear.

There is nothing sexier…

Than a man without a facebook page or one with sporadic usage.

There is nothing unsexier…

Than a man who takes selfies.

It has been ingrained in the female mind from a young age that men don’t have feelings.

I know it gets tedious trying to convince us otherwise but that doesn’t mean you should take the ‘if you can’t beat ’em join ’em’ approach.

Send flowers.

It sure as hell can’t make it worse!

Keep up with The Obnoxious Owl’s weekly ‘Shooting from the Hip’ column here