Underwear: Avoid these words: Crotchless. Polyester. Diamante. Nurse. Vending Machine. Have you felt our skin? Shit is soft and delicate. Imagine our little mounds are like delicious little truffles that need to be encased in soft, pretty fabrics in delicate sorbet and candy colours or even classic black. You might want to check your girlfriend’s underwear drawer or ask her friends for her size because as much as you would like to imagine that we are all a size small on the bottom and a 10DD on top, I am here to tell you that you are tripping. Jessica Rabbit was a cartoon and your girl is probably a comfy 10 to 12 on the bottom and a modest C cup. Get it right and you’ll reap the rewards… it’s like wrapping your own present.
Expensive Make-Up: Get this right and you will win boyfriend of the year. I know it all just looks like lotions and potions to you but that stuff is tough on the pocket and while we might be able to go without another pair of heels or more jewellery, there is no way we can skimp on cosmetics because then we will be unable to leave the house. You are going to need a heap of guidance here because you can’t exchange make-up. Don’t bother with foundations and powders because skin matching that is like a science experiment. Go for eyeshadows, lipsticks, mascara (always black), eyeliner and the most expensive of all… make-up brushes. Hit the department stores and find the gay guy and side step those bitches with a different colour face to their neck. Here are keywords: NARS, MAC, YSL, CHANEL, CLARINS, LAURA MERCIER. If she has been a good girl this year cop her the entire brush set by BOBBI BROWN. I know I have just said some pretty foreign words to you so just print this off and show the man and then hand over your credit card.
Handbags and Shoes: Women will be happy with a $8 dress from the Salvos as long as they have a $400 bag on their arm. If you actually listen to her she will have been banging on about a certain handbag or pair of shoes for ages. We go to the designer online shopping sites like Net-a-porter and Shopbop on the daily to visit our little baby like it’s sick in hospital. We look at it from every angle and we picture it with about a dozen different outfits from our wardrobe. Girls will always have favourites folder on their computer filled with things they want to buy so play detective and make her dream a reality.
Cute shit: No stuffed animals please, we’re not in high school. I’m talking cute little iPhone covers, scented candles, novelty chocolates, Hello Kitty things and the like. Just loads and loads of weird, cute stuff like that. We can’t get enough.
Things to avoid: Household goods like irons or blenders… although a blender with a bottle of gin and a cocktail recipe book would be pretty cool. Avoid dildos and other sex aides (save that for Valentines Day), video games and DVDs that are blatantly meant for yourself, bath sets from the Body Shop (because we get about 23 of those from our Nan and distant family members), anything you find in a shop that is obviously meant for strippers, any of these and you will find yourself wanking in the bathroom to Silent Night.
Keep up with the Obnoxious Owl’s weekly Shooting from the Hip column here.