Those who have been in love, and had it reciprocated, will know that it feels like a belly full of chicken soup on a cold rainy day. Those who have been infatuated with another human will know that it feels like you’ve taken 16 green Mitsubishis and it’s about 2.00 am. My point is that while both will make you smile or sigh with happiness, the major difference between the two feelings is the level of anxiety. Love has an anxiety rating of 0.0%, while the anxiety teamed with infatuation can be accurately compared to a three-day MDMA comedown.

Other indications that you may not have quite reached the love mark are these:

• You think about fucking them more than you do talking to them. In fact, you’re not even really sure what you have in common other than you both like a finger in the bum bum and teacher/student role playing. Of course you will think you love them because it feels like you are allowing them into your soul when really, it’s just your colon.

• If you don’t hear from them for an entire day you are convinced that they have either forgotten about you or they are otherwise occupied with someone else wearing a school uniform. Love does not mean keeping your phone in your pocket all day waiting for a text message.

• A really good sign of obsession and infatuation is when you become a diluted version of yourself rather than an enhanced one. Suddenly the social butterfly has not been seen for months and can only be found in a dark room where he/she will probably be naked with the ‘love of their life’ with copious amounts of movie downloads, takeaway wrappers and used condoms that didn’t quite make the bin.

• Usually infatuated people pack on the pounds because when they’re not having band-aid sex, they’re eating. Either with their partner in crime or alone.

• Mutually obsessed folk take to doing drugs together. And not the odd line at a party and a few joints of an evening but more like sucking on bongs in their darkened room at around 10.00 am on a Tuesday. Notice how junkies usually come as a duo?

• It is not love if you are in any doubt. Any doubt at all.

• It is definitely not love if you feel worse about yourself than before you met the person you are allegedly in love with. Also, look around you… do you still have any friends? And if so, when did you last see them? What were their parting words?

• True love does not need validating with a Facebook relationship status update.

• When you meet someone you could love, you go into it with some cautious optimism. You listen to your intuition (sorry) and go with your gut. There should be only a little nervousness but definitely no anxiety. Anxiety stems from uncertainty… what are you uncertain about? Nervousness comes from not being complacent.

And lastly, despite what many popular songs have professed, love does not hurt. Allowing yourself to be loved and to love back means opening the door to them and letting them enter your life. Not closing the door on your life and disappearing into the sunset dressed as a French maid with bong in hand.

Keep up with The Obnoxious Owl’s weekly ‘Shooting from the Hip’ column here.