Weekly updates:

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Weekly updates

I just spent the better part of an hour building a piece of Scandinavian furniture. I finally managed to piece the bastard thing together except I scratched it a bit and I broke out into a bit of a sweat. This is one of the times I wish I had a boyfriend.

Here are some other times that I wish I had a man in my life…

When I am so horny I can’t see straight. Yeah I said it and don’t act surprised. Isn’t that when everyone who is single wishes they weren’t? Having dick on tap is nothing to be scoffed at. Sometimes you can’t be stuffed with getting tarted up, flirting and laughing at someone’s jokes only to hopefully end up rolling in the hay whilst having, let’s be honest, pretty average sex. The chances of you getting slayed by a sexual ninja is about as likely as Mitt Romney having Boyz in the Hood in his DVD collection. Also when you have a boyfriend you feel more comfortable to lurk in those dark, creepy caves of deviance than you do on those one nighters… you know?

I also quite miss having a boyfriend when I want to wear this one particular dress that needs zipping up at the back. Or when you realise you forgot to get a towel handy just as you step into the shower. Or when you get something caught in your eye.

Another reason is car troubles. I can hear all you feminists huffing and puffing from here and ya’ll need to chill out. Sure I can learn how to check the oil and water, tire pressure and so forth but I don’t fucking want to okay? I like to feel like a delicate flower from time to time that needs a man to save me and I don’t care if you have a problem with it because I know you feel like that sometimes as well, so bite me.

It is also quite handy having a boy nearby when you are hungover, watching porn and in need of a frozen coke from Maccas. There are so many proverbial birds here that need a masculine stone and yes I realise that I am back on the topic of sex but really, isn’t that what it all boils down to? I guess there is the whole ‘not wanting to die alone’ thing and growing old with someone who is essentially a witness to your life but I am trying to live in the now. And right now, I am hot and bothered from putting furniture together and just like my little Nissan Micra, I am in desperate need of a service.

Keep up with The Obnoxious Owl’s weekly column ‘Shooting from the Hip’ here.