We’ve all been to a party where there has been that non-chiller who throws the spanner in the works. Or vomits on the carpet. Don’t wanna be that guy? Here’s how!

LEAVE THE MOTHERFUCKING iPOD ALONE

If it ain’t your party, you aren’t allowed to just get up and change the tunes, ESPECIALLY if you are just an extension of someone else who was actually invited to said soiree. It’s just plain rude. Plus, ‘that guy’ who always takes it upon himself to be ‘DJ Extraordinaire’ just fucks with the vibe, and there is nothing worse than having a song nuked right in the middle, followed by hearing 2.5 seconds of the beginning of each song until he finds his desired track. And sorry, whats that? You brought your own iPod? Congratulations! Now fuck off.

BYO

Don’t be a cheap c-word.

DON’T START FIGHTS

It’s just really irritating. You don’t even look that rad and sexy because you’re so drunk! There is no Brad Pitt outta Fightclub happening up in here; it’s more Hugh Grant outta Bridget Jones’ Diary. Plus this one time, this dude got into a fight right next to me on the d-floor and beer got spilt all over my white fur coat. (Not real – calm down treehuggers.) Peace and love at a party, people. Peace and motherfucking love.

DO NOT FEEL UP THE VERY DRUNK AND VERY PASSED OUT GIRL

Look dude. I know a man’s gotta eat and all, but how do you spell ‘date rape’? Consent is pretty standard 21st-century protocol with regard to sex. No response means ‘NO’. Or she’s dead. Either way, it ain’t cool.

DON’T BE THE DRUNK GIRL

There is merrily tipsy or even raging drunk, but then there is a ‘I’m just gonna pass out in a pool of fettuccine carbonara that I threw up earlier and hope to God that seedy dodgeball fella rubbing his crotch over there doesn’t rape me’

STILL ON THE SUBJECT OF SEX…

Please don’t fuck in one of the bedrooms on someone else’s bed without permission. I would seriously hunt down your mother and hold her at gunpoint until you clean your happy juice outta my 3000-thread-count Egyptian cotton sheets from Ikea if you did that in my bed.

AND DON’T BE NICKING STUFF OR GOING IN PEOPLE’S WARDROBES EITHER

At a particular party in London a little while back, some random walked past the house and just came into the party off the street. Made his way up the stairs and started trying on some dudes jacket. In his defence, I’m sure he didn’t want to steal it. I think he was just admiring it. Anyway, he was found and thrown out. I think there may have been a ladle-throwing involved. I’m not sure. Turns out that old mate the party crasher was a famous musician. Not mentioning names…*cough* Wolfgang *cough*

DO NOT POO IN THE BATH

Or piss in the sink.

IF YOU BRING RANDOMS THEN TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR THEM

Imma tell you a story. So, I was at this particularly wild party, and lets just say a, um, ‘beginner’ was getting involved in a little bit of party favour action and pretty much passed out with her eyes rolling in her head, mouth hanging open – the works. So her ‘friend’ comes over, helps her up (we had to tear said friend away from talking to some dude) and lent her against the WASHING LINE while she went inside to get her some water. Not against the wall, not even on a chair but literally hanging over a fucking washing line. The girl looked so pitiful I nearly cried. So, yeah, if your mate is wasted, be a friend and put them under your wing and not over a piece of string. They don’t know anyone else there but you! And, if your friend tries to shag the drunk girl, takes hostage of the tunes, punches the host or does a poo in the bath, it means that he/she is a prize asshole and could you please remove him/her like the gangrenous limb that they are.

KNOW WHEN TO LEAVE

Nobody likes a clinger in most situations, but especially at a party. Thing is, most people are keen to meet new people – well, my lot do anyway. But others like to be left with their immediate group of friends in the early hours and reflect on the night and finish the booze. There is that time of the party when the last beer has been drunk, the last sausage roll has been eaten and old mate is cleaning his poo out the bath – this is the time to leave.

Be the life and soul – not the pooper. Alright?