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OO - Style or substance

Personally, I like hairy men. The hairier the better! Don’t get me wrong – I’m not partial to it growing in places where it shouldn’t be. And that is not me being shallow – it’s just that I would prefer the back to not resemble a blanket. (But I don’t think I stand alone on that one.) But give me a hairy chest, legs and arms anytime of the day thanks! There is something so animalistic about it. ‘See me! I am Man!’ and allow me to be your Eve you fine looking gent. I will polish up a delicious Granny Smith to bring to the Garden of Eden (your house) wearing nothing but fig leaves (knickers from Cotton On Body).

Then, on the flipside, I don’t mind a bald chap. Hair loss on a dude starting from a young age indicates high levels of testosterone. A pharmacist told me that once, and I have never looked at a receding hairline the same ever since. I am a red-blooded hetero female and testosterone sounds good to me. I mean, it’s what makes a man a man does it not? It is also very attractive when a man owns his path to being bald. Just be all Kelly Slater about it and shave the fucker. Accept the cards you have been dealt and make the most of it. Please do not ever, ever, ever try and grow out what you do have and then proceed to groom and coax it into some kind of hairstyle using ‘product’. Also, don’t call it ‘product’ if you can help it.

I went to a gig in Fitzroy on Friday night with a mate. Still a little jetlagged after a recent trip and nursing a beer I sat back and took in the sights around me. As you can imagine – Melbourne, indie gig, pub in Fitzroy – we were awash with bearded men. It is no longer a thing amongst the hipsters, the hairy jawline is back and it looks like it is here to stay and that is fine by me. It really does change a man though, don’t you reckon? The gerbil-jawed fella must have started the growth quicker than you can say Brian McFadden as soon as he saw the trend was kicking off.

Look, I ain’t got no beard fetish or anything. You know how there are chicks who have a list of all the traits their ideal man should have, and, before things like integrity or mental stability are mentioned, they will have ‘must have tattoos’ and ‘beard’ at number 1 and 2 on the list? Yeah, I don’t roll like that, but I think that comes with age. I like all men of all races and styles and subcultures. If I were going to be shallow I would cancel out a dude based on their musical taste before I started looking at physical and style attributes. ‘I really am into Coldplay and Slim Shady’ – someone actually said that to me once.

Growing a beard to man is like a spray tan to a woman. It hides a multitude of sins and makes you 10% hotter. And we all want to be hot, don’t we? Not centrefold hot, but you know… a better version of ourselves. Needless to say, I get the phenomenon. But the thing with trends is they can start looking contrived on the wrong person with the wrong attitude. The most attractive attribute a man can have is swag. Yes, I said it! I just dropped some pop culture terminology like it was hot and I’m not making any excuses. Give a lady swag over brawn any day. And swag to me means someone who has a strong sense of self. So you can have your little checklist with all the boxes ticked: beard, an outfit you bought in Japan, 78 likes on Instagram shoe of the moment, a portfolio of tattoos, the perfect fade from a trendy barber, etcetera. But if you can only talk the talk and not swag the walk then you might as well shave right this minute and pop some Chris Martin on – because, honey, being yourself will be a million times more attractive.

Keep up with The Obnoxious Owl’s weekly ‘Shooting from the Hip’ column here.