Remember the old tale that naughty children would receive a lump of coal from Santa? And then remember when you saw your dad walking around in his pyjamas, scratching his ass and simultaneously destroying your dreams and the plate of cookies you left out for Santa? Well, just because Santa died with the Easter Bunny, doesn’t mean that the shitty people in your life can’t receive the retribution they deserve by sending them a beautifully wrapped box of coal. 

Well, I actually decided that I am a very difficult person to buy for, and since people are strangely uncomfortable with giving money or gift cards as presents and would prefer to give you something “more personal” like an ugly t-shirt or earrings that you will never ever use, I decided that I could use my relatively bitchy nature to receive coal instead. The plan: to be really mean to everyone around me and in turn receive many lumps of gift wrapped coal and then sell them to energy companies at an inflated price when we reap the earth of all its fossil fuels. I’ll have no friends but at least I’ll be $2.50 richer in a few decades.