There’s something poetic about the generic simplicity of Asian eatery names in Western countries. On Sussex Street there is literally a place called Come Buy and if that isn’t a lesson in assertive advertising, then I don’t know what is. Similarly, Chinese Noodle House is direct and to the point: Enter on Quay Street, get lured in by the lady yelling at the door, take a seat in the cozy interior and always, always over-order.

While the restaurant recently removed their world-famous grape decorations from the ceiling, you can still stare at the weird deer tapestry that graces the walls. In case the name didn’t make it obvious enough, order noodles but don’t sleep on the pork and chive dumplings and the special braised eggplant. A few doors over, there is a neighbouring eatery with the all too similar name of Chinese Noodle Restaurant, which has sparked endless debates about which is the superior establishment. Eat at both and decide for yourself.

After that, go upstairs and order ignorant cocktails and sake from Daruma to get turnt like a true Japanese businessman.

The Sussex Centre food court is so powerfully delicious that DJ Levins hosted a birthday party here. I completely back food court birthday parties in all of their forms. The options at Sussex are plentiful: A seafood laksa from Happy Chef goes down a treat, while Ramen Ikkyu is equally nourishing, with a free noodle refill to boot. Wash it all down with a cold chrysanthemum tea. If you’re a hungry hippo and still want to go on eating adventures afterwards, Dixon House and Eating World are just a heartbeat away. We filmed some of the ‘Chinatown Champs’ video at Eating World and ordered an entire steamed fish, it was such a nice time.

For something sweet, you’ll also see people queuing up for Emperor’s Puffs – you can grab a bunch with the spare change that you find in the bottom of your bumbag.

An obvious one. There’s a reason we shouted out Paddy’s Markets in ‘Chinatown Champs’ – it’s an endless hub of counterfeit swag, ranging from Sean John to Dada to your more contemporary streetwear staples. You can spend hours getting lost within the aisles, filled with assertive salespeople who will try to upsell literally anything – it makes for great banter and is still easy on the funds. In my earlier years I bought countless emo, punk and wrestling shirts from Paddy’s Markets – I still have a Rancid …And Out Come The Wolves shirt I bought when I was in Year 8 and it still fits to this very day. I graduated high school a decade ago. For any other avid collectors of fortune cats, Paddy’s also has all of the Oriental ornaments you need. Upstairs at Market City, there’s a Fila outlet which is good for the brand’s most budget garments you can wear as pyjamas.

Cool story alert: Paddy’s Markets used to sell pets. I bought a rabbit named Fred here.

Sitting on the border between Chinatown and Darling Harbour, the Chinese Garden of Friendship is your own little slice of zen within the madness of Sydney’s CBD. With waterfalls and lakes dominating the scenery, it’s no wonder that this is a popular place for couples to tie the knot. How’s the serenity? Entrance is $6, or $3 if you can pretend to be a child under 12 years old. For extra coin, you can upgrade your experience by wearing traditional Chinese outfits and roam around the surrounds like an Oriental OG. How good is friendship?

The pho spot on George Street. Extra coriander. Extra bean sprouts. Extra chilli. Custard apple shake. Fuck me up. If you don’t like coriander, please get your tastebuds fixed.