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RU - Habits & ScHoolboy Q

In what has been a busy month for public rapper meltdowns and drug problems, LA Rap’s current flavour of the month ScHoolboy Q stumbled onto Angie Martinez’s radio show to confess that lean and pills have made him their bitch. His exact words: “I can’t rap right now, I can’t fuck right now – all I can do is drink water.” This disturbing confession really illustrates just how useless many of the new generation of rapper dudes really are. What use is a rapper who is too wasted on cough syrup to actually rap or make sweet, sweet love to the gals with low self-esteem and numerous daddy issues who can be found hanging out backstage? Q’s flagging libido just might be the most serious problem facing hip-hop in 2014.

Angie’s weed carrier suggested that perhaps a visit to Styles P’s Juices For Life store in The Bronx could get Q back on track, but that idea was quickly squashed. ScHoolboy also declared that he would rather stick his junk into a cup of that purple than twist out a Hollywood starlet such as Jennifer Lawrence. For starters, the idea that J-Law would have a penchant for second-tier TDE members with a fetish for silly hats is further proof of the damaging effects of drank on the human mind. Surely 2014 Ashanti would be a more realistic example of the kind of struggle celebrity that might be available to this character at this point?

While Q claims that he wasn’t using while he was recording the album, he also claims that the Oxymoron LP took two years to make, so clearly that’s a bunch of horsecrap. Also, while listening to the record, it quickly becomes apparent that being in a codeine haze may actually be mandatory to enjoy it – in much the same way that putting on a Grateful Dead album without a bowl of weed is essentially a pointless exercise. This muddled hodge-podge of a record sounds like the result of an MC lost in a mental fog who lost the war against his invasive record label and his own lack of discipline when it comes to getting high in the studio.

Do dudes really think that whining about being a lean junkie and how much they “suck” is cute? Is this some type of reverse psychology marketing to relate to deadbeat fans and score a few sympathy sales at the same time? Granted, not every rapper can be an egotistical maniac ready to steal your girl, punch you in the face and then make a song about it, but the pendulum has swung so far to the other side that it’s darn near snapped off. If I wanted to listen to a bunch of depressed d-bags vent about how much their life sucks I’d be a country music fan, right? Darn tootin’!

More importantly, how can the band hoo-ers of tomorrow combat the rising scourge that’s resulting in rappers choosing a cup over a fuck? Off the top of my head, might I suggest that someone contacts Superhead and convince her to develop a lean-scented perfume? Or start a ‘Save ScHoolboy Q’s Sex Drive’ Kickstarter? Perhaps Katt Stacks can be recruited to finally use her powers of evil for good and finally redeem her tormented soul? Regardless of the method, something has to be done, sooner rather than later. I for one don’t want any part of a world where rapper’s go on radio to complain about how bad they are at rapping and how they are currently unable to commit unspeakable acts of debauchery with willing groupies, and not should you.

Keep up with Robbie’s weekly ‘No Country for Old (Rap) Men’ here.