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RU - Why does Nick Cannon still exist?

You know it’s time to sit down once Killa Kam has taken the time to ether you on Instagram. Case in point – Nick Cannon. After he was pictured posing in a white trench and his wig piece dyed to look like a human cheetah, it was inevitable that Cameron Giles would demand an “Emergency black ppl meeting at 8 AM tomorrow morning to discuss removing Nick Cannon,” and added “8 AM sharp,” which I want to say is a reference to a classic Chappelle’s Show skit but I can’t seem to find it on YouTube for some reason. This comes after recent Cannon fuckery such as that time that he upset white folks by donning “whiteface” to promote his White People Party Music album, complete with the Migos featured ‘Pajama Pants’ single, and getting booed at a basketball game at Madison Square Garden. There was also that time that he dropped at least three diss songs aimed at Eminem because he’d shitted on Cannon’s wife Mariah in a rap.

There is no good reason for Nick Cannon to be rapping. The guy surely has his hands full as the Chairman of the TeenNick channel, along with his role as baby daddy and Mr. Mariah Carey, and the god-awful shows known as Wild N Out and America’s Got Talent. Admittedly, he’s been a frustrated rapper dude since the jump, having apparently started a group called Da G4 Dope Bomb Squad in 1999. No, I didn’t make that name up. Can’t these cot damn actors and comedians just stick to their lane? Thanks to those jerks over at Jive Records encouraging him, Nick Cannon dropped his self-titled debut in 2003 and somehow convinced Puffy, Mary J. Blige, R. Kelly, Just Blaze and Trackmasterz to get involved. The single ‘Gigalo’ saw Cannon playing dress-ups with Kells in an oversized, canary yellow Lakers jersey and durag.

And yet he insists on continuing to make music. Even after subjecting us to his “verbal attacks” on Eminem, which gave us lyrical gems such as “You got tatts on ya face like My Little Pony!” he’s now comparing himself to Andy Kaufman with his new White People Party Music “concept album” and continues to “battle” guests on the appallingly corny Wild N Out show, which may be the most embarrassing rap-related TV programming since Homeboys From Outer Space. Surely he should count his blessings that the Drumline sequel has been green-lit so that he doesn’t have to resort to anymore DJ Vlad interviews about his ties to Blood gangs as a young dude. Hosting two shows, a regular role on Real Husbands of Hollywood and holding Mariah’s diamond-encrusted handbag isn’t enough to keep you occupied my dude?

Worst case scenario, Cannon attempts to record a diss track aimed at Cam’ron. Best case scenario? Cannon attempts to record a diss track aimed at Cam’ron. If Killa responds, he has so much material to work with it would be nothing short of comedy gold. For starters, he could clown Nick for dressing up like a Disney prince for his fifth anniversary wedding vow renewal to Mariah at Disneyland, getting booed at Madison Square Garden when he hosted an America’s Got Talent segment on the court, the cheetah hair or maybe even the time he got ethered by Chelsea Handler on Twitter. Some may argue that Nick Cannon still wins since he gets to go home to Ms. Carey every night, but the idea of having to spend the rest of your life with a broad who built a “Butterfly Room” to read her fan mail sounds like hell on earth if you ask me.

Keep up with Robbie’s weekly ‘No Country for Old (Rap) Men’ here.