Weekly updates:


No Country for Old (Rap) Men: Robbie’s rap predictions for 2016

If any of these come true, we're in for a hell of a year

Posted by

Weekly updates

Bow down and take heed of my 100% accurate predictions for the next twelve months of the rap world. Please note: there are no refunds.

Keep up with Robbie’s weekly ‘No Country for Old (Rap) Men’ here.

01. Ghostface does Vegas

Ghostface Killah will make the natural progression to a regular Las Vegas residency, where he will croon old love songs and rant incoherently for 20 minutes in between every track, backed by a 30-piece orchestra of musicians who weren’t good enough to join the Daptones and a revolving door of showgirls consisting of ex-girlfriends and current flames he met at the local strip club. Overweight white guys with red beards will be denied entry on sight.

02. Lupe continues to lose to Kendrick

Lupe Fiasco, who has recently threatened to release three albums in 2016, will continue to live in the shadow of Kendrick Lamar despite the valiant attempts of his loyal Stan’s to proclaim Tetsuo and Youth as being better than To Pimp A Butterfly in spite of overwhelming evidence to the contrary. The simple fact that K. Dot never made a song with Guy Sebastian automatically wins any debate regarding the merits of the two rappers.

03. Drake is still ~emotional~

Drake will star in a primetime sitcom about a goofy kid from Canada who becomes the most popular rapper on the planet but still cries himself to sleep every night because he saw his ex-girlfriend ‘like’ an NBA player’s Instagram post.

04. Jay Z does a Beyoncé

Jay Z, who has a couple of free hours between shareholder meetings, will release an album that’s only available on Tidal and consists of him reading out his stock portfolio, a list of pet names that he and Beyoncé call each other, and the declaration that Tame Impala are his current favourite band.

05. Nas re-brands

Nas, having abandoned any hopes of having another hit single, will track down Herby ‘Luvbug’ Azor and record an entire album over go-go style beats in an attempt to bring back the glory days of Salt ‘N Pepa, Kwame, and Kid ‘N Play while needlessly trolling Wale

06. Kanye replaces Kim with Khloe

Kanye West will divorce Kim and marry Khloe, having realised that combining a wife and bodyguard will significantly reduce his touring costs. He will finally complete his ‘Stringstumental’ project, as promised in an early Scratch magazine interview, which will consist of all his biggest hits played on the fiddle because that’s what the world has been missing.

07. Busta joins WWE

Busta Rhymes will officially join the WWE as a wrestler, with Curtis ’50 Cent’ Jackson acting as his manager.

08. Dr Dre puts The Game in line

Having finally released his final solo project, Dr. Dre can finally find the time to file a restraining order against The Game and hire a private detective to recover those compromising photos that Jayceon has been blackmailing him with for the past decade.

09. Swizz Beatz has a super-lit anniversary trip

Swizz Beatz and Alicia Keys tragically fall into a live volcano while celebrating their sixth wedding anniversary, thus validating Alicia’s awful ‘Girl On Fire’ and sparing us from Swizz ruining anymore Nas or Jay Z records.

010. Caitlyn Jenner enters the game

Caitlyn Jenner is set to release a rap album, featuring duets with Young Thug, Rupaul and Snoop Dogg. Rick Rubin is penciled in to produce/sleep on the couch, while Quentin Miller will provide the lyrics.

011. People will keep sleeping on J. Cole

J. Cole’s new pop-up shop, specialising in sleeping bags, futons, and neck pillows, will gift a copy of his last album with every purchase to ensure that his customers will have a full night’s sleep.

012. The Hipster Music Mafia campaign stays strong

The Hipster Music Mafia will continue to cape for every rapper who has ever so much as visited Chicago and has a Soundcloud page in the hope of being able to boast that they were ‘early’ if any of them actually get popular outside of Chicago.

013. Kid Cudi starts a super-group

Kid Cudi is to reform The Travelling Willburys, reimagining them as stoner rock with himself on guitar, Mac Miller on lead vocals, Flavor Flav on piano, and Dave Grohl on drums.

014. Metal Clergy finally drops an album

Roc Marciano and Ka will release their Metal Clergy album, which was first teased five years ago, thus restoring the balance in the universe and making all other rap music released in 2016 irrelevant.