There are a number of annoying personalities in the wacky world of hip-hop. Some of them, such as Russell Simmons, his brother Reverend Run and The Root’s head honch ?uestlove are granted a pass from the volcano on account of some outstanding contributions earlier in their careers. The following list of fuckybergs, however, have absolutely no redeeming qualities whatsoever and need to wiped from the face of the earth immediately.
Swizz Beatz
I have no time for this guy whatsoever. He’s made exactly two beats that I don’t hate – Cassidy’s ‘I’m A Hustler’ and Jay-Z’s ‘Money, Cash, Hoes’ – but otherwise seems to specialise in just being a complete douche-hammer of a human. Swizz’ list of achievements include getting sued by Casio for using their default keyboard sounds in his songs, unleashing two albums where he tried to be a rapper, naming his still incomplete third solo LP Haute Living and managing to combine the three most pretentious jerks in the history of pop music onto a single song by recording ‘Skyscrapers’ with himself, Kanye West and Bono. He’s also married to that talentless hack by the name of Alicia Keys and fancies himself as a bit of painter.
Jermaine Dupri
The list of atrocities that J.D. has been involved in is endless. While he began his career in music innocently enough as a dancer for Whodini, he quickly established himself as a typical record industry sleezebag, lining his coffers by exploiting some young kids who wore their jeans backwards and ripping off Naughty By Nature in the process. Not satisfied with his legacy of cheesy R&B and pop rap, Jermaine then took it upon himself to start rapping (poorly), eventually culminating in getting butt-hurt over a magazine article which led to him making a track aimed at Dr. Dre and Timbaland, resulting in a war of words where everybody involved lost. J.D. also managed to cuff-up Janet Jackson and Mariah Carey if anybody cares.
Irv Gotti
DJ Irv had it all at one point – a Def Jam label imprint, a backing by two incredibly popular rappers and singers (Ja Rule and Ashanti), cashing $250,000 cheques for a beat and the platform to act like a conceited blowhard at every opportunity. Then the Feds accused his label of money laundering for a former Supreme Team member, Def Jam gave them the boot and Ja Rule was shunned by 50 Cent and eventually went to jail on gun charges. They had a good run, but much like the case of self-proclaimed mogul Dame Dash, in retrospect the success of the label came down to the popularity of Ja Rule and Ashanti and not so much the ‘business genius’ of the Gotti brothers. Instead of appreciating his good fortune while it lasted in the ever-fickle music game, Irv now spends his time complaining about his former artists and blaming the lagging fortunes of the record business on the fact that he hasn’t had a hit in seven years. Cry me a fuckin’ river.
Suge Knight
There’s no doubt that Suge’s legacy of stand-over tactics and regular pistol whippings at Death Row are the stuff of legend, but after being implicated in Tupac’s murder and his complete failure at running a record label after Dr. Dre jumped ship it’s clear that should have moved on to other ventures long ago. Instead, Knight continues to hang around to get sued, declare bankruptcy, sell off the Death Row electric chair, have his stuff sold off in an episode of Storage Wars, sue Kanye West after getting shot and robbed at his Video Music Awards party in 2005 and then getting shot again at Chris Brown’s VMA party this year. It hurts to see a notorious bully such as Suge reduced to such lows, so in the interest of not tarnishing his amazing legacy any further I think it would be best for everyone involved if he just threw himself into a pit of lava.
DJ Khaled
As entertaining as this dude is with his videos featuring personal watch handlers, breaking iTunes and publicity stunts that make Hulk Hogan look tactful by comparison, the fact that he’s nothing more than a modern day A&R with no actual talent of his own is hard to respect. Sure, it’s pretty sweet to have a weed carrier who can cue up songs on your laptop while you’re deejaying, but even a cursory glance at the credits from Khaled’s eight albums reveals that this guy is nothing more than a glorified secretary, as he basically calls up a bunch of rappers and producers, gets them to email him some beats and raps, then yells some shit over the top and proceeds to reap the glory in the video. Take the Kiss The Ring (PAUSE) album for example. Ya boy Khaled really worked up a sweat on this one as he co-produced a total of THREE tracks. While we should be thankful that duke hasn’t started rapping, it’s only a matter of time before he tries to add another feather to his WE THE BEST!!!! hat. Let’s melt this dude down into molten ash and be done with it.
South Park Mexican
Bad behavior is all part of the rap game, but convicted kiddie fiddler SPM took it to the next level. After knocking-up a couple of barely teenage girls, this sick fuck was convicted of something more serious with a younger victim and is currently locked-up until 2047.
Keep up with Robbie’s weekly ‘No Country for Old (Rap) Men’ here.