Hi everyone! As discussed in my last column, I am getting amongst the world of online dating and so far I am highly amused. There is just so much to choose from! (You can decide in which tone you would like to read that last sentence, but I would go for sarcastic for the sake of accuracy). Look, I said I was going to go into this with a positive can-do attitude but all I am met with is hilarity. Ok, I will admit I read these profiles whilst blazed, which aided the amusement. It also provoked me to read between the lines – but reading between the lines is just what us girls do.

This is apparently what the men of Victoria, Australia are looking for…

‘Nothing too specific but my ideal partner should have qualities that include honesty, generosity and empathy.’

There are one of two things going on here. Either he is looking for someone who is generous and who empathises with him because he is unemployed, or he is talking about head. Either way, homeboy comes across as needy. Who actually lists empathy as something they are looking for in a partner? Shouldn’t that be a given? And when we talk about empathy, we mean towards everyone – mankind! Not just towards one individual.

‘Just hope to meet someone who doesn’t mind a man to treat his lady with old fashioned values but must like to poke fun at me and can handle lots of surprises!!!’

It’s the triple exclamation mark thing that bugs me here. It’s so loaded! What surprises hey? This guy, without a doubt, likes to be dominated. ‘Old fashioned values’? ‘Poke fun at me’? ‘Lots of surprises!!!’? I’m sorry mate, all my leather is at the cleaners.

‘I have decided to join this website and see what is going on amongst the eBay for women! I like Apple products, browsing around Officeworks and googling myself.’

I very nearly deleted my account after reading this but then thought better of it because I had deadline. I’m not sure who I am going to marry, but I know it’s not this guy. Anyway, I’m glad I continued to peruse the eBay for men otherwise I would never have discovered prince charming over here…

‘I know how to treat a woman with respect and compliments. These are things I like to do with my significant other: Take a taxi to the airport and catch the next plane to anywhere! (spur of the moment kind of guy), fall in love in Paris, shower under a waterfall.’ 

But then I thought better of it…what if the next plane goes to Bangladesh!? Or worse… Canberra? And what if I don’t fall in love in Paris? And when would we actually get to Paris if we are just going to go wherever the next plane takes us? I can’t go chasing waterfalls, I just can’t! I’m better off sticking to the rivers and lakes that I’m used to.

‘Sure, I am scared about how my profile will be perceived, I am worried what people will assume from what I have written. I don’t want to hide from the way I feel…the way I love and the way I yearn to see the people I care for smile.’ 

Guys… I promise I’m not being too harsh here, I swear I’m not! But read that again and then imagine a profile photo in black and white with an ‘incredibly, incredibly good looking pose’ while the rest are private and will be ‘shared on request’. This guy either wants to get laid or his friends are taking the piss. Either way, I’m not hanging around to find out.

Then I found the most refreshing one out of the lot.

‘Hi, I’m looking to meet a woman who has a good head on her shoulders and who looks after herself.’

I like his approach. He is basically saying, please don’t be a moron and be somewhat attractive. He is setting the standard high! I’m in.

Reading all these profiles and over-analysing some for the sake of a laugh and others because, well, the truth is staring me harshly in the face, I came to realise that the older you get, the more you’d like to think you’re getting a little wiser, a little more clever at weeding out the er, weeds. But is wisdom just cynicism in disguise? Are we turning away potential ‘life partners’ because we keep adding two and two and coming up with five?

I said yes to a date by the way. I am almost definitely, 100%, not interested but just like all hopeful women before me, I can’t help but think, ‘What if?’

Keep up with The Obnoxious Owl’s weekly ‘Shooting from the Hip’ column here.