If you live in Melbourne you’ll have heard of the western suburb Footscray, or ‘Footscrazy’, or ‘Footscary’ to those who affectionately call this once industrial, blossoming multi-cultural hub home. Known for its amazing discount store Savers, its influx of young, broke creatives fleeing Brunswick and apparently one of the best hot chocolates in Melbourne. It’s also known for the melodic sound of constant police sirens, drug related violence and neglected landscapes.
But don’t let that stop you from visiting one of the next up and coming suburbs (apparently) of Melbourne. Created by Heartless Corporation a bunch of jokers who are predominantly known for funny YouTube videos, comes tongue-in-cheek tourist information website Visit Footscray. Doing all the work for you, let this be your guide before you catch the 82 tram from the city on where to eat, stay and play in Footscray.
The Palms Hotel
Located directly next to the Princes fucking Highway, you’re guaranteed a fucking wonderful sleep in this glamorous, Vegas-like hotel! People-watch from your balcony as truck after fucking truck rockets down this fucking highway at all hours of the fucking night., and be sure to treat yourself to a quick ten minute stroll down the road to any place where you can’t hear the fucking goddamn fucking traffic.
Dervil’s Safe House
Conveniently located within one hundred metres of the town’s ALDI supermarket, Dervil’s Safe House offers guests the discretion and comfort necessary to get their lives back on track. Breakfast is not provided, but for a small additional fee, Dervil himself will happily pop across the road and fetch you a delicious morning vodka! Whether he lets you have any is entirely up to him! Oh Dervil, you cheeky monkey!
The best things always happen at night, and in Footscray, the local cuisine plays by the same rules! This might look like an abandoned caravan in a parking lot that may or may not contain a dead body, but as soon as the sun-sets, a gastronomic alchemist emerges from the shadows and opens the shutters to reveal one of the town’s finest eateries that may or may not contain a dead body! Open until 4am, it’s suspicious AND delicious!
THINGS TO DO
There’s so much to do and see in Footscray! Why not take the family for a bit of ‘sprinkler-gazing’ at Whitten Oval, where nothing ever seems to happen anymore? Or perhaps spend a romantic evening with a loved one, casually strolling hand-in-hand along the Maribyrnong River while romantically feigning a sense of total safety. Even for the lone traveller, the options are endless, with a particular highlight being the small, unassuming twenty-four hour massage parlour located within the car-park of an abandoned seafood restaurant.
Convinced? Head to Visit Footscray for more. Your ‘adventure’ begins now!