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RU - 2014 predictions

Considering my numerous demonstrations of my ‘Robstramus’ clairvoyant abilities, let me break down exactly how the rap world will proceed over the next twelve months. Disclaimer: Neither Unkut nor ACCLAIM are responsible for any of these predictions actually happening, and accept no financial liability for any enjoyment of 2014 that is spoilt as a result of some of these things not occurring precisely as written.

1. J. Cole, 2 Chainz and French Montana form a group named The Bench Warmers and proceed to tour nursing homes and preschools across America to help toddler and the elderly doze off at nap time.

2. Eminem and Macklemore record Best Of Both Worlds 3, featuring backing from Elton John, Linkin Park, Pink and Lorde. Rick Rubin provides the beat for lead single, which is a rap remake of ‘We Are The World’ using ‘Funky Drummer’ and the guitar riff from Guns ‘N Roses’ ‘Welcome To The Jungle’.

3. Wale, Lupe Fiasco and Kanye West pool their resources to start their own media group by the name of ANSWERS Network, which consists of a music video cable channel which plays nothing but their music 24 hours a day, with an hourly direct-to-camera rant from each of them in turn every two hours. They also develop a smartphone app which sends you “words of wisdom” from all three of them every time you look at Facebook or Twitter.

4. Katie Got Bandz begins a talk show in Chicago to fill the void left by Oprah, which flips the script on Maury by shaming deadbeat dads instead of broads who don’t know who got them up the duff, interspersed with WorldStar highlight clips of brawls at Denny’s and her ‘Hitta Of The Week’ profile. Sasha Go Hard is exposed as not really going very hard at all and retires from rapping to open a local farmers’ market.

5. Drake replaces Britney Spears at her Las Vegas residency after an unfortunate wardrobe malfunction involving a bungie cord and fire juggling, leading to the longest-running regular show in the history of the city as a tuxedo’d Aubrey charms and dazzles audiences 50 nights a year from the world’s largest hot tub. During the week, he replaces fake Elvis as the most requested wedding celebrant for shotgun marriages.

6. Jay Z and Kanye’s daughters both release vanity projects on the same day in what is touted to be a heated head-to-head sales battle. Despite North West only being a year old, she is said to already be a child prodigy capable of playing five instruments (the triangle, tambourine, wood block, xylophone and tin drum), while Blue Ivy Carter’s album is filled up with so many guest spots and big name producers that no one actually notices what her involvement was.

7. Kendrick Lamar undergoes experimental hand implant surgery in an attempt to put an end to hurtful “Hobbit hands” comments. While recuperating, he records a concept album reflecting his lifelong love of musical theatre, which combines elements of Rent, Cats and Westside Story on the mean streets of Compton in the ’80s. It’s declared a “classic” five months before anyone actually hears it, and the listening party is a live performance on Broadway before a packed house of Hipster Music Mafia critics, featuring a cast of 300 former ‘So You Think You Can Dance?’ contestants in choreographed dance routines while dressed as Bloods and Crips.

8. Papoose finally accepts his position as the king of the rap trolling and moves under Brooklyn bridge where he can grind the bones of any unfortunate children he captures in between recording diss songs which will never be responded to.

Keep up with Robbie’s weekly ‘No Country for Old (Rap) Men’ here.