Weekly updates:

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Weekly updates

What an action-packed three days it’s been in the world of musical soap operas. R&B divas fighting over car parks, fat guys putting restaurants out of business and young rappers having Twitter beef. Who needs good music when you have this kind of entertainment?

In theory, the fact that Chris Brown and Frank Ocean had a scuffle over a recording studio car space shouldn’t even be a blip on the radar, but the comedic potential was too good for me to resist. Breezy has a habit for picking ‘soft targets’ for his fists of fury in the past, having previously ‘manned-up’ against Rihanna and Drake, but I guess he found out that just because Ocean has been known ‘to enjoy the company of men’, he’s no stranger to landing blows in the ring (?!). There are conflicting reports over who threw the first punch, but at this stage Frank has reported having a “cut finger” and is planning to press charges (‘Frank Fingers Brown In Assault Case’, anyone?), while Brown is sporting a cast on his right hand (‘Brown Buries Fist In Ocean’). You can read more of my tasteless headlines here. In a final, shocking twist that has left fans reeling, C. Brown announced that he was switching his Instagram account from ‘Public’ to ‘Private’ mode. Oh, the humanity!

Officer Ricky had even worse luck after he upset local diners by consuming an entire seafood buffet at an ill-advised all-you-can-eat promotion in Miami, which led to him crashing his Rolls Royce while being pursued by irate customers and the now-bankrupt owner of the restaurant, who took offence to Ross removing his shirt mid-meal and opened fire on the MMG bawse in protest. Luckily, neither Rawse nor the Rolls were injured in the attack. Won’t somebody spare a thought for the people who didn’t get a second serve at the buffet though and the poor, defenceless witnesses to Officer Ricky’s enormous man-boobs? That’s a decade worth of therapy, minimum. [You can read Robbie’s tweets on the matter here.]

Stuck In The ’90s Poster-Child Joey Bada$$ upset the BASED GOD with the “Tell the Based God don’t quit his day job” line from last year’s 1999 mixtape, courtesy of his deceased Pro Era crew member Capital Steez. This resulted in Lil’ B boasting that he got Joey “trending worldwide” before he released “I’m The Bada$$”, to which Joey responded with a tepid response that includes zingers such as, “I’m a lil offended he didn’t go harder than that…”, “I seen you on Lombard Street!” and something about Purple Rain, after which I shall forever refer to him as Sloppy Joe. Far more interesting were the creepy photos that BASED GOD fans started tweeting of themselves holding guns while pledging to defend his honor, indicating that we may be witnessing the beginning of World War III after the Bay Area invades New York.

By Saturday, I predict that Jay-Z and Beyonce’s baby will have released a #1 EDM song, Kanye will quit music to join a monastery of Tibetan monks and Chief Keef will win the Nobel Peace Prize.