Despite an over-excited TMZ attempting to bury Lil Wayne the other day after his latest hospital visit due to “over-exhaustion”, it seems that Lil Tunechi is in fact alive and well. While I’m not quite tasteless enough to wish death on anybody just for a cheap laugh, I do feel confident enough in my Nastradamus-like skills to peer into my crystal ball and predict how your favourite rapper dude will leave this mortal coil when it’s their time to go (at the ripe old age of 95, naturally).
Weezy will meet his demise as the result of a tragic skateboarding accident in which he finally attempts to perform an actual trick rather than just standing up while rolling down hill. Hoping to impress his dad, Baby, Wayne tries to do an ollie off the front step of his mansion and breaks his neck.
Roc Marciano, having retired to Cuba after selling off his franchise of Marcberg Eateries, a chain of health food restaurants which only serve dishes that he’d previously referenced in his lyrics, with waitresses dressed as ’70s hookers, is found face-down in plate of oysters after an all-night smoke session with his three favourite employees.
A$AP Rocky, now living in Milan and heading his own fashion empire, gets involved in a dispute over a car parking space with the creator of True Religion denim, Jeff Lubell, which escalates the following day at the golf course when Donatella Versace, who is miraculously still alive at the age of 136, beats both of them to death with a diamond stiletto for failing to kiss her feet when she was wheeled past by her minions.
Action Bronson, having quit rap, meat and any form of illicit substances to become a vegan Buddhist Monk, gets so carried away with transcendental meditation that he forgets to eat for two weeks while in a deep spiritual trance on top of a mountain and dies of starvation.
Justin Timberlake, while technically not a rapper, is found suffocated to death in his hot tub. Following a five year police investigation, Blanket Jackson finally confesses to the crime. Consumed with rage over the fact that JT has been swagger-jacking his late father Michael Jackson for so long, he had visited Justin with a spiked bottle of “Jesus Juice” and smothered his face with – you guessed it – a blanket until he croaked.
Tyler, The Creator, in an attempt to fulfil his continued quest to be the greatest troll of all time, moves under the Brooklyn bridge where he lures foolish white hipsters to their doom and grinds their bones after consuming their flesh and then makes songs about it. This ends badly, however, when he chokes to death on a particularly ironic handlebar moustache.
Busta Rhymes and Dr. Dre get involved in a brutal death match at Gold’s Gym over the last shot of steroids, which sees Andre Young strangled by Busta’s dreads while he beats Busta to death with the final mix of Detox, which he just about to drop off at the CD pressing plant.
Rick Ross and 50 Cent bury the hatchet and open up their own line of correctional facilities where prison inmates manufacture Vitamin Water and canned crab meats for two cents an hour. Despite numerous failed assassination attempts by their own former weed carriers, they both pass away in their sleep due to natural causes.
The ultimate tragedy, however, is the fate of Drake, who is found drowned in his personalised platinum bathtub filled with his own tears.
Keep up with Robbie’s weekly ‘No Country For Old (Rap) Men’ here.