Now that Action Bronson’s cooking show has been green-lit for cable (possibly only in Canada, if that counts?), it seems like the perfect time to consider some of the other rapper TV vehicle ideas that my production company submitted to the major networks. These are still pending approval for a pilot episode to be made:
Jay Electronica’s 50 Shades of Nandos
In many ways, this is basically ‘Hogan’s Heroes 2015,’ in that no matter what happens in every hilarious action-packed episode, we know that Colonel Hogan’s gang won’t escape the POW camp and that Jay’s album won’t ever come out.
Migos’ The Amazing Race: Migos Edition
The Migos crew dash around America, frantically searching for the next rapper or R&B singer who has co-opted their flow. Every time they successfully track down a culprit, he or she is forced to sign an oversized novelty cheque for $1,000 to a local high school so that he or she can be clowned for being a cheapskate on Instagram.
J. Cole’s Welcome to Dreamville
Providing an essential service for insomniacs, the most boring guy in rap music will help you drift off to sleep after a long day with this collection of J. Cole interviews, music videos and spoken monologues.
Drake’s Guide to Deceased Divas
Aubrey gets dressed up like Aaliyah, TLC’s Left Eye, Selina and Lauryn Hill to recreate their last days in the style of ‘America’s Most Wanted’ crime re-enactments.Each episode ends with Drizzy crying himself to sleep in a rose-petal bubble bath.
Ghostface Killah’s Tony Starks Takes Las Vegas
Clearly the fact that Ironman’s three most recent albums have been backed by live musicians is preparing us for him to replace Britney Spears at Caesars in Las Vegas. Viewers will get to witness Ghost’s ‘journey’ in preparing his Vegas debut, including the search for the world’s most luxurious bathrobe, constructing a giant throne made up of old golden eagle bracelets and ‘auditioning’ the roles of ‘Tony’s Angels.’
Noreaga’s The Office – Lefrak Branch
Nore plays the role of an office manager at a paper company who constantly fucks with his staff through a series of cruel yet hilarious practical jokes, bodega runs and ever-inventive ways to smuggle weed into his office.
Cappadonna’s Taxicab Confessions: The 37th Chamber
Cappa returns to the yellow cab hustle to ask passengers obscure questions about 4th tier Wu-Tang affiliates. Every correct answer knocks $5 off your fare, every wrong answer means he takes a deliberate wrong turn down a one-way street. Hilarity ensues.
Nas’ The Search for an Illmatic Intern
Nasir Jones is a great rapper who also seems to smoke far too much weed before he does interviews on camera and selects beats for his albums – resulting in some poor decision making. In order to solve this dilemma, he needs to find a loyal sidekick who can minimise his intake of trees as much as humanly possible. Challenges will involve replacing his kush bag with oregano, slipping dangerous amounts of caffeine into everything he drinks and deleting his weed dealer’s number from his phone every two days.
Common’s Retirement Home Rap Tour
Join Lonnie as he tours America’s homes for the elderly and entertains senior citizens with his non-offensive musical stylings, lovely manners and excellent grooming.
Will Smith’s The Fresh Prince of Bel Air: The New Class
Much like when they remake staples such as Saved By The Bell, Beverly Hills 90210 and Degrassi for the new generation, Will Smith’s breakthrough TV sitcom could be rebooted to focus on what happened to Will once he made it big and bought a mansion of his own to raise a bunch of wacky, spoilt, messed-up kids… or they could just make a reality show I guess. Same same.