Hey everyone, happy 2014! New year, new you and all that jazz. I am starting the year off with my two cents on Beyoncé’s self titled beast she released shortly before Christmas. Oh and I’m also going to make comment on her being a strong feminine role model. So if you are Bey’d out and would rather have a pap smear than hear any more on the topic then be my guest and close the window.

I would like to start out by saying that I am not a fan of corny, played out shit: I shy away from musical theatre and dress-up parties; I can’t stand karaoke and I am generally one of those annoying people who will swim upstream the minute something catches a break and goes mainstream. I am a fan of ‘real’. I need the people I look up to to actually be cool and not just look cool. Anyone can hire a fucking stylist, and, what’s more, the truth will always rear its head eventually and PR machines are just that: mechanical. And yet, I am an absolute massive fan of all things Yoncé and I will not hear a bad word said about her. I’m not a fangirl or part of the Bey Hive; I am just a regular fan in awe of her hustle.

To be honest, up until this latest album, I have only kind of liked her music. It’s not exactly my cup of tea, but I can hear that it is quality, and the woman has some pipes! I kind of put Beyoncé under the same umbrella as Michael Jackson. If he is the king, then she is definitely the queen (sorry Madonna). And, to be honest, I don’t really play Michael’s stuff around the house or listen to it in my car either. Having seen both B and MJ in concert, I would certainly put her in the same league of entertainer and creative mastermind. This album is good. Really, really good. It’s current yet fresh, produced to within an inch of it’s life yet still comes off as raw and she is doing something new with her voice. I’m not sure what it is, but it’s working.

Besides the album that dun near blew up the internet, in 2013 Beyoncé completed a world tour, slayed at the halftime show at the Super Bowl, won Grammys, sang at Obama’s inauguration and put out her self-directed and -produced documentary which some have criticised because ‘Who does she think she is?’ and whatnot. When I heard she produced a whole bunch of it herself I was like, ‘Yes bitch.’ Listen, think about how much your life has changed since the internet. Even just Facebook! I am over the goddamn moon that Facebook was not around when I was in high school. I shudder to think. Now imagine what a fuckshow it must be as a celebrity. I made the mistake of googling my own name once or twice. (Let’s just say that it is a fair assumption to make that I have ruled out any future career in the corporate world.) Now can you imagine the thick skin you would have to acquire if you were famous? Take away the fortune and luxury, and these people are still human beings with the same feelings as the rest of us. Mrs. Carter is all like, ‘Nah, if there is going to be story about me, I will tell it.’ And all I can say is, respect.

And while I’m still sucking Beyoncé’s dick, I will add that I think she is the ideal face of feminism in 2013. 1) She has a successful career of which she is in full control. 2) She is respected amongst her peers – her own idols as well as her subordinates. 3) She is raising a little girl. 4) She is being both independent and loving her man at the same time, showing it doesn’t have to be one or the other. And 5) She exudes joy and you can tell she is just genuinely happy and grateful to be alive.

Why do some women think they have to start wearing hemp and singing fucking Kumbaya around a campfire in order to be a feminist? And please spare me with your overanalysing of her lyrics. She’s not claiming to be Oprah. Women and jealousy – they go together like men and pride.

So here we have a woman at the top of her game who is a mother and a wife and looks healthy, beautiful and happy, and if she is having issues she handles them in private with class and dignity. And because we’re all information-saturated little buggers with the attention span of a newt, we just can’t accept that actually, maybe you can get to the top based on working hard and being a good person without distractions and attention-seeking antics.

Beyoncé is everything Kanye West thinks he is.

Girl fucking power, baby.