Shooting from the Hip: Signs that you may need a woman in your life
Need a woman in your life? You probably do, but don't even know it. The Obnoxious Owl lets you in on the tell-tale signs that it's time to get some lovin...as in, actual lovin, not the porn type of lovin...15-Oct-2012
You smell a bit.
A girl will tell you that your jeans have not dried properly and you have a hint of mildew about you. A girlfriend will also bitch and moan about showering a whole lot. Also, men tend to stop taking care of themselves when they have no one around to impress, unless they go out on a Saturday night ‘on the prowl’ or to ‘get on it’ and make the effort. Women will also light scented candles and fill the house with womanly scent so your house will also start to smell nice.
You know porn stars by first and last name as well as their ‘specialty’.
Porn is fine. Wanking is fine. Hell, even saving the odd clip in your favourites is normal. BUT if you can recognise a woman by her butthole then you can probably recognise a man by his dick, JUS SAYIN.
When you feel you’ve become ‘that’ guy.
You know how you know you’re that guy? When you overhear your mate’s girlfriend say, “Is Dave gonna be there?” Yeah Dave, why are you always hanging around? Wanna know why? Because your mantra is ‘bros before hoes’ which means you are cock-blocking your friends. Don’t get me wrong, the girlfriends of your mates most likely love you and think you’re hilarious and feel sorry for you even. Put that sympathy to good use and get them to introduce you to their friends and pray to God they haven’t told them that you’re a weirdo.
When you send a “hey, what you up to” in a group message hoping that at least one person will reply.
Hey Lonely Boy, are you actually familiar with the female gender? We are pretty desperate creatures for one main reason: the sea is nearly empty. As in, there are very few single, non-crazy, relatively good looking/alright-looking-with-great-potential men out there so if you are reasonable and nice then you are going to do just fine. The reason why you don’t have them beating the door down is because you smell of mildew and that pile of porn next to the toilet is off putting.
You’re probably living off fast food or microwave meals.
No, no… I’m not saying you don’t know how to cook without the help of a female because then I would be saying that women belong in a kitchen. If I was writing a column for girls and signs they made need a boyfriend, I would say they are probably living off crackers and dip. When you don’t have a girlfriend/boyfriend you don’t cook as much. You don’t make the effort and sometimes you may even skip dinner because you’re not that hungry. Meals are best shared with others and when you have a significant other, they will make sure that you have eaten because they worry about you. That is the nicest part about having a partner hey? They worry about you.
You avoid calls from your mum.
What are you doing with your life? Have you met anyone yet? Are you going to give me grandkids? You’re not gay are you?
Ok I’ll admit, that last one was for me.