Sex to me has always been something fun to do to pass the time. I think, out of all the people I have ever slept with, that I have only been in love with one of them. Was the sex any better because we were in love? No, not really. I mean, I guess it actually meant something and you do tend to give more of a shit about whether or not the other person is enjoying themselves, because you, like, love them and stuff. But, if you consider yourself to be good in bed, it should go without saying that you want your lover to leave your boudoir feeling satisfied. Also, there are varying degrees of good sex. There is the passionate, the aggressive, the tender (thats when you make luuurve), the emotional, the throwdown, the experimental and then there is the downright filthy-dirty. Every partner is different and every occasion will surprise. Too much emphasis on the deed will eventually take all the fun out of it, so beware.

The other night I went partying with some broads that I went to high school with. I literally have not seen them since we were teenagers. This particular group of chicks were like the Mean Girls of school – no lie. Hot, popular, intimidating, most likely to succeed etcetera. Well, let me tell you – nothing has changed. They still look the same, have married well, have 1.9 kids and play drinking games with tequila. They are also the kind of women that, more than likely, hung on every word that Carrie Bradshaw said because they are very ‘open’ with their sexuality. I know this because the drinking games go like this: somebody says something like ‘I have never had a threesome,’ then, those that have done so need to take a drink. Or there is ‘I have never had a lezza experience and gone down on a girl,’ then those that have take a swig. And so it goes on. All good, clean innocent fun.

Me? I’m not down for those games so I generally hang on the outskirts smoking weed and observing, in order to use it in a column a few days later. No judgement – it just ain’t my thing. Like, I don’t like olives but if they happen to appear on the pizza, I’ll just dodge them. No biggie. ‘But we thought you would love that shit, Tammy!’ Yeah, I know that’s what people think, because I write about sex sometimes and I have flame red hair, but the truth is, I like my sex to be top-shelf, brown paper bag, sordid and a bit naughty. The problem with the commercialisation of sex is that it ends up losing its mystique and once that is gone then it just becomes a bit… how shall I put it? Tacky. In the fifties, showing thigh had men hot under the collar. Now, they barely blink at hardcore porn, because we are all a bunch of over-informed, jaded, desensitised nimwits. I absolutely despise the fact that some nightclubs sell dildos in vending machines in the girls toilets. Sex toys hitting the mainstream is as depressing as sushi appearing in food halls in shitty suburban shopping malls, and I think they both happened at the same time.

So I am into this guy at the moment and we’ve been hanging out a bit. I’ve known him for years and we connect, we gel. It’s early days and we’re trying to keep it light. A mission that he is passing with flying colours. And me, being the over-thinking woman in the equation – I am falling just below par. Anyway, the fucker is holding out on me re sex. Shit fuck shit. Isn’t that like supposed to be the woman’s trick? This bastard is cock-blocking me in just about the most literal sense possible and it is driving me stir-crazy. Sexual frustration × 2,612,719. But you know what? I am still interested. In fact, I have been interested for months, and, let me tell you – the lack of sex is making me even more interested. Why? Because it is not the reason why I want to hang out with him, as it has been for so many of those before him. If/when it finally does happen I have no doubt that I will land on the moon and see stars but the time spent now, where we hang out and do other things to fill the time, is probably one of the sexiest adventures I have been on in quite a while. He is doing that thing with his tongue that I like, but he is doing all over my mind.