I live alone, therefore most nights I sleep alone. I know for a fact that I get up on average about twice to go pee, but, other than that, once I am sleeping I am dead to the world. I don’t reckon that I move around too much either because I generally wake up in the same position that I fell asleep in: the foetal position, spooning my ‘guest pillow’. If I do happen to have a ‘slumber party’ then I will just spoon the lucky guy. But what if I don’t like him, you ask? Well, then he wouldn’t be sleeping over – you get me?

Sharing a bed with someone is a strange concept, don’t you think? When you are sleeping, you are in a very vulnerable position, which is why I hardly ever let one night stands spend the night. It’s also why I leave a party as soon as I feel like I might pass out, because that is when people usually find themselves waking up with a penis drawn on their face, complete with mini sombrero.

Needless to say, you kind of have to trust your chosen bedmate. Not only because I fear I may wake up to someone molesting me, or, worse, wake up with no eyebrows, but because I tend to over-think the whole ‘sleeping position’ thing.

For instance, I am a fan of the spoon. I sometimes like to be little spoon and other times I would prefer to be big spoon. However, I can seldom fall asleep whilst someone is spooning me because I am just far too aware that there is a penis nuzzling into my derriere, which means that I end up grinding up on it in a circular motion whether I actually want to have sex or not. When someone is spooning me, I simply have to take advantage of the situation. Just like that free champagne at art shows, I just can’t help myself. Of course, there have been times where I have been able to fall asleep like this, but more often than not it is post-coital.

So, if I need to fall asleep but still need to feel close to whomever is laying beside me, I will spoon them. But the problem with playing big spoon is that there is very little reassurance. Unless they hold your hand or something there is no way of telling if your sleeping position of choice is welcome or not. When another party is spooning you at least you know that they are down for some contact, even if you do need to gently nudge them off you during the night.

Another nice thing is to have some part of your body touching theirs. Like, I quite like it if I am sleeping next to a dude and he just puts his hand on my thigh or throws his one leg over mine. Just a tiny little sign of, ‘Hey, I might not be spooning you or being all up in your grill but I’m over here on this side of the bed thinking about you.’ I mean, it’s a pretty nice gesture.

Then there are those times when someone you actually like is in bed with you and it is in the beginning stages of some kind of half-baked union. You are ultra-aware that they are right next to you and even though you are exhausted, you cannot fall asleep because you are too scared of farting in your sleep or something. It’s like the best time ever paired with the most self-conscious. The very act of falling asleep and dreaming next to another human suddenly feels more intimate than anal sex. When you are having sex, the bed is merely the location of the act. But, when you sleep, you want to be as comfortable as possible. And, because of this, the person you choose to lay their head beside yours as you dream of Jamaica should be an absolute pleasure to wake up to.